i can be the biggest fucking cunt. i am being so cold and hateful to him because...? because i want him to feel about me the way i feel about me right now.
we screamed at each other through the locked bathroom door. i am eerily removed from the situation enough to know that it is because we are both so fucking hurt and raw right now; detachment does, ironically enough, bring a certain level of empathy. if i were still immersed in the relationship i would be thinking he was a complete asshole, but inconveniently, i don't. we're just two idiots who never learned how to properly communicate with one another. some people bring out the best in who they're with and we... don't. i also am incredibly impatient and don't 'stick it out'; how can anyone be married, or anything, to someone with such a fucking selfish attitude?
i am feeling extremely bleak overall. the worse i feel, the worse i act. and so on.
shame is the core of depression.
good things about today:
'lay lady lay' on the radio
eating dried mangoes
brief almost-sun
busy competency at the tacoma ER
placing a saphenous catheter in front of the owner and the dog not freaking out
teaching someone sudoku
hot shower(s)
*
on the radio: "if a cat eats a mouse and chokes to death, who killed whom?"
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