i am wallowing

i get more uncomfortable as the day wears on. mornings are always full of optimism, laziness, fresh-from-the-showerness. around 4, when it starts to get dim, is when i start to feel Really Fucking Alone. cars clog the roadways. people chat happily into cell phones. couples walk in step. i wait for the bus (which is so fucking late that i end up taking another route) in front of the bookstore, reading from a 50 cent copy of "the almanac of lists", not feeling like a local or a visitor, just rudderless and rather pathetic. an extremely inebriated gay couple (one about 20 years older than the other) got on the bus after me. they had been making out fervently, which was somehow more tolerable than seeing a heterosexual couple do the same; they reeked of alcohol and pocketed cigarette butts and proceeded to sing without syllables most of the way to the u-district. and i am reminded: oh yeah, it's friday night, date night, drink night, go home and fuck night, except for silly people like me with screwy work schedules and fucked up relationships and no friends nearby. i am feeling sorry for myself in a rather detached way. i would love to meet up with someone and get absolutely wrecked right now. or: simply have an actual friend here. that would probably be a bit healthier.
when i last lived in seattle i was friends with the people i worked with. we were all of the same general age and hedonisms. but then i was in a relationship, and my free time was better spent with him, and as he often reminded me, 'people you work with don't give a shit about you. do you think they'll remember you when you;re gone?' because i was In Love (and because i am an insecure dumbass by nature) i believed him. i didn't stay in touch with anyone after i left and tended to push them away while i was here. now i am back, wondering where everyone is, realizing that 3 years have passed and their lives have evolved. i am disgusted by how easily, how thoroughly, i tend to sabotage my life whenever i'm involved with somebody. no wonder i end up resenting them. afterwards, now, i am left with a weirdly blank slate and a stunted view of how everything is.