today!:
-i finally changed the sheets on my bed and slept in naked bliss
-i interviewed with a local ER and it went insanely well and everyone was incredibly nice and i have a paid working interview there next week
-i heard back from the other job i wanted, the one where my resume was forwarded to the director of the department with the notation that they were "very impressed" by a prior interview i'd had (for a job i did not get... i must have been too impressive)
-i passed many ghouls and enormous men in flamboyant drag
-i also passed a small boy dressed as a wedge of cheese, a hairless young man wearing only a dress shirt and shoes, and a man wearing a sandwich board that said "NEW CONDOS"
-i was flaked on by s, who cancelled our plans 1 hr prior because he'd "just lost his lunch in the john"
-i booked my flight to anchorage
yes! i will spend my, good god, 29th birthday in cold, cozy anchorage, as a gift to myself- proof of where i've been. life is fucking cool.
life is what is made of it.
the last two weeks have been exceptionally rife with life.
happy halloween.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
26 october 07
the sun was shining when i called the movers two hours prior to their scheduled arrival and cancelled the move. my lair was flooded with light and packed boxes when i called my almost-landlord in tacoma and told him i wasn't going to take the place after all. and i went outside, had a cigarette, and felt giddier, flakier, and calmer than i had in quite a while.
it feels so fucking right to stay. unquestionably. what was i thinking? i am a fucking pleasure-seeking doof and it is incredibly erroneous to pretend otherwise. be happy. do whatever it takes. la la la.
...and for the second time this week, i woke up in the alcove of s's room, under a feather blanket, the dawn through the skylight grey and quiet, his arms reaching for me while he slept. i had forgotten how much i needed that, how much i'd missed having someone around.
everything in my life, no matter how fucked up, somehow coalesced into this last 24 hr period, so i must have done something right after all.
it feels so fucking right to stay. unquestionably. what was i thinking? i am a fucking pleasure-seeking doof and it is incredibly erroneous to pretend otherwise. be happy. do whatever it takes. la la la.
...and for the second time this week, i woke up in the alcove of s's room, under a feather blanket, the dawn through the skylight grey and quiet, his arms reaching for me while he slept. i had forgotten how much i needed that, how much i'd missed having someone around.
everything in my life, no matter how fucked up, somehow coalesced into this last 24 hr period, so i must have done something right after all.
Friday, October 12, 2007
the traits you most hate in others are the traits you hate about yourself
...and i know this.
any place fucking sucks without someone to share it with. i am grieving how much i fucked up this go-around in seattle- home to so many amazing things, but rendered so depressing by how little i connected with people here. as always, there is much, very much, i could have done differently.
'mad world' is an absolutely fantastic song. the crowded house version is playing. when gary jules' was ubiquitous, i was living very briefly in olympia, springtime, rainy, fluctuating frenetically between the elation of my brief restraining-order-against-the-ex-prompted freedom and a crushing loneliness. this song makes me want to hold someone.
my intolerance for asshat behavior has soured yet another s memory. how can i dig someone who treats me like crap? how, indeed. (i have been repeating myself for the last 15 years.) horrid rebuttals are riccocheting through my head as i walk by myself, because i am hurt. i am fucking hurt again, feeling fucking stupid, feeling shameful for trusting the good moments without remembering the annoying whole. the older people get the more self-absorbed and obliviously caustic they become. and obviously, this bothers me because i am the same fucking way.
moving will not change much. i am seeing it as an excercise in masochism. but i do have friends there. and the hood is pretty cool. and the street is lined with enormous maple trees. and the novelty, however finite, is fucking neccessary.
*
i have been infatuated with fergus henderson since i read him wax florid on a meal that he prepares in his london restaurant St John, a meal that i and my non-meated mouth salivated over: roasted marrow smeared on toast with parsley and capers, purportedly quite the orgasm. the way he speaks and writes makes me want to tear a baby lamb apart with my fucking teeth. said he in something i read today: "your spleen swells when you're in love! how can you resist an organ that does that?"
*
food is love. thus i found myself at the uppity grocer's at 11 on a friday night, buying baba ganouj and goldfish crackers for a most anticipated breakfast, feeling like less of a FUCKING LOSER when i noticed the man behind me ("ladies first!" he'd said gallantly when we were in queue) buying something crackery and something dippy also. i noticed too late. i smiled as i walked to the parking lot, not only at the happy synchronicity with a stranger, but at how i was embodying a classic, perfect example of how effortlessly i piss away every conceivable random opportunity that comes my way.
any place fucking sucks without someone to share it with. i am grieving how much i fucked up this go-around in seattle- home to so many amazing things, but rendered so depressing by how little i connected with people here. as always, there is much, very much, i could have done differently.
'mad world' is an absolutely fantastic song. the crowded house version is playing. when gary jules' was ubiquitous, i was living very briefly in olympia, springtime, rainy, fluctuating frenetically between the elation of my brief restraining-order-against-the-ex-prompted freedom and a crushing loneliness. this song makes me want to hold someone.
my intolerance for asshat behavior has soured yet another s memory. how can i dig someone who treats me like crap? how, indeed. (i have been repeating myself for the last 15 years.) horrid rebuttals are riccocheting through my head as i walk by myself, because i am hurt. i am fucking hurt again, feeling fucking stupid, feeling shameful for trusting the good moments without remembering the annoying whole. the older people get the more self-absorbed and obliviously caustic they become. and obviously, this bothers me because i am the same fucking way.
moving will not change much. i am seeing it as an excercise in masochism. but i do have friends there. and the hood is pretty cool. and the street is lined with enormous maple trees. and the novelty, however finite, is fucking neccessary.
*
i have been infatuated with fergus henderson since i read him wax florid on a meal that he prepares in his london restaurant St John, a meal that i and my non-meated mouth salivated over: roasted marrow smeared on toast with parsley and capers, purportedly quite the orgasm. the way he speaks and writes makes me want to tear a baby lamb apart with my fucking teeth. said he in something i read today: "your spleen swells when you're in love! how can you resist an organ that does that?"
*
food is love. thus i found myself at the uppity grocer's at 11 on a friday night, buying baba ganouj and goldfish crackers for a most anticipated breakfast, feeling like less of a FUCKING LOSER when i noticed the man behind me ("ladies first!" he'd said gallantly when we were in queue) buying something crackery and something dippy also. i noticed too late. i smiled as i walked to the parking lot, not only at the happy synchronicity with a stranger, but at how i was embodying a classic, perfect example of how effortlessly i piss away every conceivable random opportunity that comes my way.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
makin' lemonade!
last thursday, 24 hrs after posting self-pitying drivel, i found the place that i will be moving into by the end of the month. life is suddenly much easier. i am suddenly much happier.
and last night with s has left me spacy and smiley.
and the north mississippi all-stars are fucking amazing live.
and entropy and tiresias are in love.
and the trees are incredibly happy colors.
this optimism, too, shall pass.
and last night with s has left me spacy and smiley.
and the north mississippi all-stars are fucking amazing live.
and entropy and tiresias are in love.
and the trees are incredibly happy colors.
this optimism, too, shall pass.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
fried and frayed
seattle is a gorgeous woman who will not look at you, much less have sex with you.
*
i came to that conclusion this evening, walking in a north wind with spitlike rain, making eye contact with people who merely glared. the weather fucking sucks and is certainly contributing to my mindset. there was a thunderstorm earlier today that i listened to under the safety of my deck awning, watching the inertia of vehicles on the freeway, the lake inky and flat. i felt wistful of the moment as it was happening, like kissing someone goodbye when you know it's the last time- too painful to get much else out of the experience.
i have been a fucking mess this past week, for i am irreversibly within the quagmire of my own doing, and something must change. i cannot have my life in multiple places. it took me three hours to commute to and from work on sunday, in a deluge, with wipers that don't work. i have a wonderful job that i feel even more obligated to since i adopted the fucking kitten (who is being... a kitten. that is to say, i love her, but she's incredibly annoying and into everything, and decrying her natural lovable kittenness makes me sound like an evil asshole), and one of the neuro doctors fixed my wipers on monday, and everyone there, for the most part, gets along very well.
i never am at the lair that i love, i have never found a semblence of community in the city i'm supposed to glean all the answers from, and i can no longer justify paying out my ass to live among fucking condos and unsmiling strangers and Wine Bars and bmws and i feel especially horrible when i think of times when things in this town were good, when i was able to share them with someone, anyone, and how infrequent those times were, how i have always, on some level, felt like a visitor here.
i feel like a visitor everywhere.
i had a panic attack the other night. it had been awhile. i was laying in bed, 3am, stuck with my mind, remembering every negative thing i've ever done, unable to breathe. and there was nothing i could do but ride it out and talk myself down. and the concept of that made me feel even worse. how fucking lonely is that?
*
i came to that conclusion this evening, walking in a north wind with spitlike rain, making eye contact with people who merely glared. the weather fucking sucks and is certainly contributing to my mindset. there was a thunderstorm earlier today that i listened to under the safety of my deck awning, watching the inertia of vehicles on the freeway, the lake inky and flat. i felt wistful of the moment as it was happening, like kissing someone goodbye when you know it's the last time- too painful to get much else out of the experience.
i have been a fucking mess this past week, for i am irreversibly within the quagmire of my own doing, and something must change. i cannot have my life in multiple places. it took me three hours to commute to and from work on sunday, in a deluge, with wipers that don't work. i have a wonderful job that i feel even more obligated to since i adopted the fucking kitten (who is being... a kitten. that is to say, i love her, but she's incredibly annoying and into everything, and decrying her natural lovable kittenness makes me sound like an evil asshole), and one of the neuro doctors fixed my wipers on monday, and everyone there, for the most part, gets along very well.
i never am at the lair that i love, i have never found a semblence of community in the city i'm supposed to glean all the answers from, and i can no longer justify paying out my ass to live among fucking condos and unsmiling strangers and Wine Bars and bmws and i feel especially horrible when i think of times when things in this town were good, when i was able to share them with someone, anyone, and how infrequent those times were, how i have always, on some level, felt like a visitor here.
i feel like a visitor everywhere.
i had a panic attack the other night. it had been awhile. i was laying in bed, 3am, stuck with my mind, remembering every negative thing i've ever done, unable to breathe. and there was nothing i could do but ride it out and talk myself down. and the concept of that made me feel even worse. how fucking lonely is that?
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