it occurs to me, less frequently than it perhaps should, how fucking disturbing my job really is. I spent an hour last night with my (gloved) finger inside a shih tzu's vagina, trying to pass a urinary catheter. the small catheters are floppy as hell- it's like trying to thread a noodle.thank god she was a nice dog... and mercifully sedated. "living the dream!" I said at one point. "how's YOUR Saturday?" the other tech couldn't pass it either.
then, at 150am, I was walking a neurological dog in the dark parking lot when two cop cars sped in. the area in which I work is not the greatest- so my first thought was that a murderer was on the loose and they'd traced him to our facility. no, it was just a fucking cute ewoklike dog, the survivor of a single-car drunk accident in which 2 of the 3 passengers had already died at the scene. life. ER folks, of any persuasion, are an interesting breed. it is mandatory to distract oneself from the fucked-uppery with jokes and sarcasm. one must get jaded very quickly.
I could never be a cop.
*
being back feels much better- my discombobulating culture shock only lasted about 12 hours. Alaska reminded me how much I like coffee so I brewed some this morning. raining, of course. quite nice. the neighbor took the fucking barbecue yesterday morning... hibachis are more practical anyway. dance on Wednesday, my one day off. talking about russell brand with someone at work. the rolling stone with his interview is in the break room. "I hate to say this, but I have kind of a crush on him now" I admitted. I think I even covered my eyes.
it's not Alaska, but it'll do nicely.
I'm writing this from my phone- so I am still unable to upload, obviously. but I showed some friends. they were impressed.
*
there are no patients in Renton. it's going to be a long fucking night.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
rio
i cannot properly articulate how fucking sad i am to be back.
anchorage exceeded my expectations. by, like, a LOT.
what fucking matters? being in a place i love and feeling ALONE and therefore unable to fully enjoy it... or being in a place i don't really like where the people are fantastic, the lifestyle is so much more open and laid-back, and i feel so much more like myself?
*
seattle makes me feel uneasy. i love it but i'm still a visitor here.
i got off the train downtown. no one made eye contact. i passed groups of people in their peacocky friday finery- girls in stupid heels and tight jeans, guys with fucking emo haircuts and pallid skin. they would get their self-conscious asses laughed out of alaska. i felt at home in anchorage... fuck, i felt beautiful. here i become an introverted hippie observer. the sky was dark and the air was cold. i listened to cypress hill and wiped my eyes on my sweater.
it was good to see the beasts. their water bowl was completely dry. i filled it and they drank frantically for the next ten minutes. routine- back to reality- as if the last 5 days didn't fucking happen. i'm just much more fucking despondent now.
it is probably a good thing that i forgot the usb cord at the lair... i cannot upload photographs. looking at them would be too taxing right now. so i am simply by myself on a fucking friday, siphoning wifi and having to listen to rod stewart.
this photograph from, i believe, wednesday night, was taken at 126am AST. that's as dark as it fucking gets.
i am going to torture myself on craigslist now.
tomorrow will be better.
vacations are not indicative of reality. anchorage is not always 75 and sunny and light and flirty and free and fun and frolicsome. still, i really wish i'd had a shitty time. it would make being back in my silly world a lot more manageable.
and concurrently, seattle is not always unseasonably ass-cold and dark and filled with tired sickly people who don't want to go out. my waitress has a necklace made out of guitar picks and we had a lovely conversation about it. someone left me a marilyn monroe warhol print in my absense. the lights are glowing against a misty sky. i walked under the queen anne radio towers and looked up at them and smiled as i always do. there are some really fucking good things here too.
and my neighbor who moved out did leave her barbecue! i have been inspired by the amazing kabobs of yesterday (was it just yesterday?). i WILL be using the fucking thing. in the eventual actual summer. and it'll be awesome. watch me.
much love...
and no edit
anchorage exceeded my expectations. by, like, a LOT.
what fucking matters? being in a place i love and feeling ALONE and therefore unable to fully enjoy it... or being in a place i don't really like where the people are fantastic, the lifestyle is so much more open and laid-back, and i feel so much more like myself?
*
seattle makes me feel uneasy. i love it but i'm still a visitor here.
i got off the train downtown. no one made eye contact. i passed groups of people in their peacocky friday finery- girls in stupid heels and tight jeans, guys with fucking emo haircuts and pallid skin. they would get their self-conscious asses laughed out of alaska. i felt at home in anchorage... fuck, i felt beautiful. here i become an introverted hippie observer. the sky was dark and the air was cold. i listened to cypress hill and wiped my eyes on my sweater.
it was good to see the beasts. their water bowl was completely dry. i filled it and they drank frantically for the next ten minutes. routine- back to reality- as if the last 5 days didn't fucking happen. i'm just much more fucking despondent now.
it is probably a good thing that i forgot the usb cord at the lair... i cannot upload photographs. looking at them would be too taxing right now. so i am simply by myself on a fucking friday, siphoning wifi and having to listen to rod stewart.
this photograph from, i believe, wednesday night, was taken at 126am AST. that's as dark as it fucking gets.
i am going to torture myself on craigslist now.
tomorrow will be better.
vacations are not indicative of reality. anchorage is not always 75 and sunny and light and flirty and free and fun and frolicsome. still, i really wish i'd had a shitty time. it would make being back in my silly world a lot more manageable.
and concurrently, seattle is not always unseasonably ass-cold and dark and filled with tired sickly people who don't want to go out. my waitress has a necklace made out of guitar picks and we had a lovely conversation about it. someone left me a marilyn monroe warhol print in my absense. the lights are glowing against a misty sky. i walked under the queen anne radio towers and looked up at them and smiled as i always do. there are some really fucking good things here too.
and my neighbor who moved out did leave her barbecue! i have been inspired by the amazing kabobs of yesterday (was it just yesterday?). i WILL be using the fucking thing. in the eventual actual summer. and it'll be awesome. watch me.
much love...
and no edit
god DAMN
a moment of magic nullifies a lifetime of mediocrity. it makes me greedy for more.
alaska: i needed this. i cannot articulate how much.
weepily emotional.
veins prominent in warm hands.
i wish i could have done more when you left.
singing 'cover of the rolling stone' in a sunlit 11pm alley.
tulips.
strawberries.
grilled eggplant. grilled mushrooms- oh my god.
great smiles that make me smile back.
people who tolerate me.
heat.
colitas. (?)
puppies.
slowly.
23g into my right quadriceps. sitting on a kid's steppy-stool. normally i do a 25g. it's so weird and yet so routine- i forgot about it until just now.
i'm reminded of decades of weirdness. being a kid. being a girl. being intimate. memories not quite applying to the current version we've created for ourselves. head against pillows, talking about my feelings. yawn. still, you listened. thank you.
i have your back. you know that, right?
this is applicable to everyone i know. everywhere.
i will upload photographs soon.
alaska: i needed this. i cannot articulate how much.
weepily emotional.
veins prominent in warm hands.
i wish i could have done more when you left.
singing 'cover of the rolling stone' in a sunlit 11pm alley.
tulips.
strawberries.
grilled eggplant. grilled mushrooms- oh my god.
great smiles that make me smile back.
people who tolerate me.
heat.
colitas. (?)
puppies.
slowly.
23g into my right quadriceps. sitting on a kid's steppy-stool. normally i do a 25g. it's so weird and yet so routine- i forgot about it until just now.
i'm reminded of decades of weirdness. being a kid. being a girl. being intimate. memories not quite applying to the current version we've created for ourselves. head against pillows, talking about my feelings. yawn. still, you listened. thank you.
i have your back. you know that, right?
this is applicable to everyone i know. everywhere.
i will upload photographs soon.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
more open
the second full day in anchorage... i must admit, i am distracted. i am reliving debauchery that has no prevelance in reality. cognitively i know this. my visceral self, however, is an idiot.
i have fantasized about this ceviche since 2002. i am no fucking vegetarian. sometimes a girl must eat flesh. and the flesh must be delectable. thus, i recommend panchos villa.
god damn but it was tasty. fuck fish. they are delicious.
anchorage is the largest small town i have yet known... two degrees of seperation, max. 265,000 people and everyone has a link. this is both comforting and disconcerting... i went to high school with you and now you're flush-faced and fucked up... i saw you in the same barstool 8 years ago... we have the same friends on facebook... if you don't know me, you know a story that involves me.
i feel like a snail. anchorage is my slime.
*
that's gross.
*
only amateurs allow their reflection to be visible.
downtown anchorage is transversable on foot in five mere minutes. this is too fucking small for me. i want the people, the summer, and the attitude- transported to the environment in which i currently reside. that is an impossibility! the next best thing: having anchorage there to come back to. home to. whatever. the novelty of visiting eradicates the ennui of living here... i get the best of both worlds. i am already missing the people i love. yes, i can love anew- i can find similar souls who are almost as awesome- i tell myself this. but it is bullshit. i love the people i know in alaska in a way i can only hope to ever love again. jesus, this sounds like a teenage diary.
i am listening to my ipod at 309am. thanks for the sly and the family stone, s. you remind me that home is an idea, not a place. i have very fucking lovely things in seattle too.
as i told s tonight: visiting here gives me the best anchorage has to offer. i am a novelty. things are exotically nostalgic. hugs are rampant. the weather, now, is bombastically pleasant. living here would delete that panache. i can never live here again. i cannot be in a place where i want to slit my wrists 8 months of the year, where people stagnate, where i must get on an airplane to experience more diverse culture, where i cannot blend in even if i want to.
the white stripes version of 'jolene' is magical. my prior association involves the 72 express and rain-splattered windows along eastlake. now: cross-legged on a mattress with awesome sheets, the sky already turning light outside. i love my ipod. i am a fucking tool...
the weather has been fucking delightful.
the website has been a surly wench of late so i don't know how this will print...
i have fantasized about this ceviche since 2002. i am no fucking vegetarian. sometimes a girl must eat flesh. and the flesh must be delectable. thus, i recommend panchos villa.
god damn but it was tasty. fuck fish. they are delicious.
anchorage is the largest small town i have yet known... two degrees of seperation, max. 265,000 people and everyone has a link. this is both comforting and disconcerting... i went to high school with you and now you're flush-faced and fucked up... i saw you in the same barstool 8 years ago... we have the same friends on facebook... if you don't know me, you know a story that involves me.
i feel like a snail. anchorage is my slime.
*
that's gross.
*
only amateurs allow their reflection to be visible.
downtown anchorage is transversable on foot in five mere minutes. this is too fucking small for me. i want the people, the summer, and the attitude- transported to the environment in which i currently reside. that is an impossibility! the next best thing: having anchorage there to come back to. home to. whatever. the novelty of visiting eradicates the ennui of living here... i get the best of both worlds. i am already missing the people i love. yes, i can love anew- i can find similar souls who are almost as awesome- i tell myself this. but it is bullshit. i love the people i know in alaska in a way i can only hope to ever love again. jesus, this sounds like a teenage diary.
i am listening to my ipod at 309am. thanks for the sly and the family stone, s. you remind me that home is an idea, not a place. i have very fucking lovely things in seattle too.
as i told s tonight: visiting here gives me the best anchorage has to offer. i am a novelty. things are exotically nostalgic. hugs are rampant. the weather, now, is bombastically pleasant. living here would delete that panache. i can never live here again. i cannot be in a place where i want to slit my wrists 8 months of the year, where people stagnate, where i must get on an airplane to experience more diverse culture, where i cannot blend in even if i want to.
the white stripes version of 'jolene' is magical. my prior association involves the 72 express and rain-splattered windows along eastlake. now: cross-legged on a mattress with awesome sheets, the sky already turning light outside. i love my ipod. i am a fucking tool...
the weather has been fucking delightful.
the website has been a surly wench of late so i don't know how this will print...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
anchorage, day 2. short sleeves. windless. rolling down hills. comfortable silence with people i love. laughing. touching skeins of yarn. tasting vanilla. a true conviction that the world is a fucking beautiful, magical place.
the scenic stuff...
and the other stuff...
i got back to s's tonight- twilight at 1130pm- entered the quiet house, went to the room i'm staying in, stretched out on the air mattress, and stared at the ceiling for a while. smiled. got sad. smiled again. i wish i could bottle the last 36 hours as permanent proof of perfection.
leaving is going to break my fucking heart.
the scenic stuff...
and the other stuff...
i got back to s's tonight- twilight at 1130pm- entered the quiet house, went to the room i'm staying in, stretched out on the air mattress, and stared at the ceiling for a while. smiled. got sad. smiled again. i wish i could bottle the last 36 hours as permanent proof of perfection.
leaving is going to break my fucking heart.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
i am in anchorage!
the sky is finally dark at 129am. i had forgotten this novelty. i feel so lucky to have grown up up a warped environment where such circadian fuckery is normal.
i knew being here at this time of year would be dangerous... i would feel nostalgic and homesick and debate moving back. the birch trees smell fabulous. i have been giddy all day. "oh my god, i am so happy!" i said this often enough to annoy myself.
darwins is exactly the same- thank god- apart from swankier bathrooms and the white stripes on the jukebox. no more herb alpert- i looked.
at 10pm we were standing in the alley. i have stood in that alley so many times before. life is different now- i know this- but it's difficult, when i'm here, to remember why. or how. time stops in alaska. my seattle existence is rendered void.
*
this is the rest of the past fortnight in seattle...
a fly upon a carnivorous plant!
multiple mirrors at the seattle art museum loo!
my first completed handknit scarf!
weak attempts at godliness on dexter avenue!
s's sculpture, coated in poetic dust!
aquatic plantlife one can sink one's fingers into!
cucumber water at a pompous day spa!
and a blurry slug!
i have smiled so much today. it's the place, the people, the memories. the familiarity would drive me mad within a few days... i spent 18 years realizing this... but for now, i am in my version of bliss. alaska represents a comfort and completeness to me that i have yet to replicate elsewhere.
*
i want everything i love in the same place.
no edit
the sky is finally dark at 129am. i had forgotten this novelty. i feel so lucky to have grown up up a warped environment where such circadian fuckery is normal.
i knew being here at this time of year would be dangerous... i would feel nostalgic and homesick and debate moving back. the birch trees smell fabulous. i have been giddy all day. "oh my god, i am so happy!" i said this often enough to annoy myself.
darwins is exactly the same- thank god- apart from swankier bathrooms and the white stripes on the jukebox. no more herb alpert- i looked.
at 10pm we were standing in the alley. i have stood in that alley so many times before. life is different now- i know this- but it's difficult, when i'm here, to remember why. or how. time stops in alaska. my seattle existence is rendered void.
*
this is the rest of the past fortnight in seattle...
a fly upon a carnivorous plant!
multiple mirrors at the seattle art museum loo!
my first completed handknit scarf!
weak attempts at godliness on dexter avenue!
s's sculpture, coated in poetic dust!
aquatic plantlife one can sink one's fingers into!
cucumber water at a pompous day spa!
and a blurry slug!
i have smiled so much today. it's the place, the people, the memories. the familiarity would drive me mad within a few days... i spent 18 years realizing this... but for now, i am in my version of bliss. alaska represents a comfort and completeness to me that i have yet to replicate elsewhere.
*
i want everything i love in the same place.
no edit
Saturday, May 22, 2010
ass, making of oneself
several things horrify me: vaguely remembering sniveling and crying at the bar while he held me. uncertainty if I paid. the flawless autopilot I am capable of whilst trashed- things carefully put away, cats fed, perfume applied before I fall asleep.
I have been drinking since I was seventeen- and still can't do so in a wise, adult manner. fucking embarrassing. and shameful. I am disgusted with myself.
anyway.
the neighbors are moving. there is much clattering and shrill conversation. they are on the deck. entropy was staring out the window. "what's up with that cat?" one of them asked. "does it only have one eye?" I was sitting on the sofa, fucking knitting and being disheveled, and smiled politely as two strangers were suddenly peering into my lair. I will be pleased when they're gone.
*
i am up early enough to listen to the psychedelic 60s show on kzok. the amboy dukes. sunlight through storm clouds. the lake is glittering. tiresias is sitting beside me. "you are my little sentinel of love" I told him.
*
more later when I can upload photos and not be so crushingly fucking vapid.
no edit
I have been drinking since I was seventeen- and still can't do so in a wise, adult manner. fucking embarrassing. and shameful. I am disgusted with myself.
anyway.
the neighbors are moving. there is much clattering and shrill conversation. they are on the deck. entropy was staring out the window. "what's up with that cat?" one of them asked. "does it only have one eye?" I was sitting on the sofa, fucking knitting and being disheveled, and smiled politely as two strangers were suddenly peering into my lair. I will be pleased when they're gone.
*
i am up early enough to listen to the psychedelic 60s show on kzok. the amboy dukes. sunlight through storm clouds. the lake is glittering. tiresias is sitting beside me. "you are my little sentinel of love" I told him.
*
more later when I can upload photos and not be so crushingly fucking vapid.
no edit
Sunday, May 16, 2010
disillusion du jour
ever since I didn't say what I desperately wanted to, and proceeded to mortify myself with lovesick beer tears, and spend an annoying night at work with my head feeling like it was caught in a plastic bag whilst being snubbed by the coworker who'd hit on me the night before... my chipper mood has subtly yet steadily abated.
today's estate sale helped. I love the old interiors, the precipitous staircases and haunted basements, the dress coats with fur collars,the books of sheet music and tools. this place even had a mink muff. I was tempted- it was cozy and I want to be able to make peurile muff jokes- but i didn't have enough money. rain. seattle smells like wet dust. hot ginger candy. humid sweat, lips parted, "it's all I can do" on the radio.
eight days until Alaska.
no edit
today's estate sale helped. I love the old interiors, the precipitous staircases and haunted basements, the dress coats with fur collars,the books of sheet music and tools. this place even had a mink muff. I was tempted- it was cozy and I want to be able to make peurile muff jokes- but i didn't have enough money. rain. seattle smells like wet dust. hot ginger candy. humid sweat, lips parted, "it's all I can do" on the radio.
eight days until Alaska.
no edit
Monday, May 10, 2010
proxy zen
i finished 'my lobotomy', 'service included', and 'grand central winter'; i also reread part of 'ramona and her father' at the burien value village. i forgot about the part where they decided to draw the largest picture in the world, so they taped paper to the kitchen floor and drew oregon. he started with mount hood, she drew the bridge between vancouver and portland.
i need to properly revisit those books. the earlier stories (see: otis spofford) are jaw-droppingly racist, but overall, i fucking love beverly cleary.
"for an addict, it's eden or nothing." -lee stringer, 'grand central winter'
the veteran's memorial cemetery off aurora.
queen anne last week. my lair might be in there somewhere.
said lair on a sunnier morrow.
and the triumphantly minimal evidence of tipsily painting...
i finally got the proper paperwork to continue volunteering at bailey-boushay. i have to live by my prosthlytizing, which i am aware i did not spell correctly, or else i feel funky and soiled... so it's been a happy day.
en route to bailey i saw this in a yard.
downtown, after.
this month's proust questionnaire is with taki, the longterm columnist for britain's 'the spectator'. how would he like to die? "give the last seat on the last lifeboat to a beautiful young girl, then go to the first-class lounge for a final drink."
i need to properly revisit those books. the earlier stories (see: otis spofford) are jaw-droppingly racist, but overall, i fucking love beverly cleary.
"for an addict, it's eden or nothing." -lee stringer, 'grand central winter'
the veteran's memorial cemetery off aurora.
queen anne last week. my lair might be in there somewhere.
said lair on a sunnier morrow.
and the triumphantly minimal evidence of tipsily painting...
i finally got the proper paperwork to continue volunteering at bailey-boushay. i have to live by my prosthlytizing, which i am aware i did not spell correctly, or else i feel funky and soiled... so it's been a happy day.
en route to bailey i saw this in a yard.
downtown, after.
this month's proust questionnaire is with taki, the longterm columnist for britain's 'the spectator'. how would he like to die? "give the last seat on the last lifeboat to a beautiful young girl, then go to the first-class lounge for a final drink."
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
sands through an hourglass
my head was just yanked out of my ass by someone else's fucking facebook post. i feel worried and sick like it's my own family. i had forgotten how much i still care.
i had been mentally composing this imminent BLOG all day but, of course, it seems terribly trivial now...
*
this is my current environment.
the well gin here is bombay. i'm impressed.
the sunset tonight was blood-red, escaping through the relentless clouds at the perfect time. people on the bus craned their necks to admire the pink reflections on ship canal. my headphones were playing "sky saw."
today was my first day off since friday. i had amorphous plans of general lackadasia; i overdid it and slept for about 12 hours. i did not know i could physically do that; i never have. typically, i get about five hours a night- and that's great. i wake up quickly and go about my (admittedly slothful for the first several hours) day. this has thrown me off since- i feel slightly detached from my surroundings. i went to a forum titled "a life worth living: a doctor's reflections on illness in a high-tech era" at the library tonight. the median age, approximately 52. the moderator was an interrupting moron (which, as i type this, automatically recalls the interrupting cow joke) but the discussion was extremely interesting- it's an ethical dilemma i've been fucking with lately- the ability to provide the care v. the desire to make nothing suffer. just because the technology is there doesn't mean it should be utilized...
natural selection has been scientifically vanquished. i have moral issues with this... even as the emotional side of me injects my leg with shit every week to keep MS at bay. i'm a fucking hypocrite... every week, as i hold a needle over my skin, i cannot help but wonder if i'm worth it. i haven't made my big contribution to society yet... i have no saucer-eyed offspring... why do i bother? why does anyone? why are humans so fucking hellbent on fighting the inevitable?
*
there is no one in this town to go dancing with.
*
metaphorically and literally.
*
intermediate swing starts next week.
*
something has to change. by august, it will.
i had been mentally composing this imminent BLOG all day but, of course, it seems terribly trivial now...
*
this is my current environment.
the well gin here is bombay. i'm impressed.
the sunset tonight was blood-red, escaping through the relentless clouds at the perfect time. people on the bus craned their necks to admire the pink reflections on ship canal. my headphones were playing "sky saw."
today was my first day off since friday. i had amorphous plans of general lackadasia; i overdid it and slept for about 12 hours. i did not know i could physically do that; i never have. typically, i get about five hours a night- and that's great. i wake up quickly and go about my (admittedly slothful for the first several hours) day. this has thrown me off since- i feel slightly detached from my surroundings. i went to a forum titled "a life worth living: a doctor's reflections on illness in a high-tech era" at the library tonight. the median age, approximately 52. the moderator was an interrupting moron (which, as i type this, automatically recalls the interrupting cow joke) but the discussion was extremely interesting- it's an ethical dilemma i've been fucking with lately- the ability to provide the care v. the desire to make nothing suffer. just because the technology is there doesn't mean it should be utilized...
natural selection has been scientifically vanquished. i have moral issues with this... even as the emotional side of me injects my leg with shit every week to keep MS at bay. i'm a fucking hypocrite... every week, as i hold a needle over my skin, i cannot help but wonder if i'm worth it. i haven't made my big contribution to society yet... i have no saucer-eyed offspring... why do i bother? why does anyone? why are humans so fucking hellbent on fighting the inevitable?
*
there is no one in this town to go dancing with.
*
metaphorically and literally.
*
intermediate swing starts next week.
*
something has to change. by august, it will.
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