i just dropped tiresias off at work for an overnight reprieve. he sprayed twice today, directly in front of me, as well as emptying his bladder once, over the course of the day. i was home all day, being painfully "on call", hanging pictures, so i saw it all. i wonder if he does this while i'm not around (which is most of the time) and if this is why my house has a permanent piss/arm & hammer aroma. i can't even bother to speculate anymore. over the last 3 months i have had my carpets professionally cleaned, bought 2 different enzymatic cleaners, used feliway, purchased another litter box and 2 different types of litter, taken him in to the vet twice for exams and urinalyses, and have been neurotically hypervigilant of his surroundings.
i came home this evening and he promptly sprayed the closet door. vertical, behavioral spraying. and i lost it. i burst into tears and scruffed him and shoved him in his carrier and hauled him to my work, where i dropped him off for the night. i was sobbing. i was and am horrified with the knowledge that if he were to have stayed here tonight i would have done something cruel. i love the cat to fucking death. anyone who knows me and knows him is uncomfortably aware of this: i LOVE this cat. he is my special little guy whom i've known since he was tiny. why he's doing this now breaks my fucking heart. one of the docs i work with prescribed him amitryptalline, which is essentially cat prozac, and i haven't given it yet. that's the one thing, apart from moving to a place with wood floors and doors, or euthanasia (the idea of which makes me want to vomit) that i haven't tried... because i'm ethically opposed to it. HE IS A HAPPY CAT. he'll be in my lap, purring, then trot over to some random spot and piss. then trot back and jump in my lap. he's not 'depressed'. i don't approve of mood alterers in humans (having been on them) and i certainly don't approve of them in animals... they're ANIMALS. what do they know about depression? their role on the planet is to be happy. and tiresias is totally happy until my convenience is ruined by his pissing. so really, it's all about me and my fucking selfishness and standards, and i feel like a piece of shit, and this is why i don't have human children, and I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
*
right now i'm drinking cheap port. quickly.
*
so today i looked at a place. great location, 1st floor of a 1905 house that was once a sorority building- about half the size of my current lair and ~$70/month more. it was grotty. cute- if i'd seen it 6 years ago, i would have snatched it up, though the price would have still given me pause. it made me realize how good i have it. i cannot move my life for a cat, especially a really good life with an amazing deal. there was no place to even fit a litter box in this place. there was a regal fireplace, but as i was admiring it the guy said "oh, you can't use the fireplace. i mean, you could put candles in it if you want." he hadn't kept up with the sweeping, apparently. the 'bedroom' was smaller than my queen-sized mattress. the door to the basement laundry room was 5' tall. and one of the neighbors was blaring sullen music as the guy told me how quiet the residents are.
last night i was laying in bed and listening to my neighbor sob. they've been having problems. i was on the deck a couple weeks ago and heard her weepily scream "you treat me like SHIT!" before she drove away. so last night... it was uncomfortable. obviously her window, like mine, was open despite the bullshit non-summer. i wanted to say something- what? "hey, are you okay?" (dumb question; obviously not). "hey, you seem upset. wanna talk?" (too intrusive?) so i did nothing. i was in my bed, she was in her bed(room)... society is so close yet so fucking far away. i read about dietary fads of the 50s. eventually her crying subsided. i felt and feel like an asshole. but then i thought: i've been there. what would i want someone to do? i, personally, would want someone to acknowledge nothing until they knew me better. i would want to live under the delusional veneer that no one else in the world pays attention. that's what my ego would want, anyway. i don't fucking know. i am still thinking about it 24 hrs later and suspecting that i should have handled it differently.
*
here's a random life-shot; it looks like an anomaly. but i didn't delete it.
there are other things going unsatisfactorily in my life right now, but that warrants another medium. people should be happy regardless. that's why we're alive, and that's as spiritual and hippy-dippy as i'm going to get. so i'm making efforts to expedite my happiness. whatever. other people have their lives figured out by now; they know where they are going to be in 1, 5, 20 years. i once thought i did, but i didn't, and i still don't. so woo fucking hoo. i'm 32 years old and bitching about (one of) my cat(s). don't worry, it's okay to laugh. i'd laugh if it wasn't my own lame-ass life i was laughing at.
seattle has been cold and rainy, but it smells fantastic and there are whole new eschelons of blossoms dropping on the pavement. this is probably the shittiest summer i have ever experienced here, but people are troupers. i went to the farmer's market today and i was one of the only people without a raincoat. bought new sandals yesterday, thinking wishfully. 2 weeks til the muggy bombast of montreal. i am looking very much forward to it.
