i fucking love my job. i love waking up with the remnants of night and driving on the empty roads with loud music. i love the rude jokes and mockery of the clientele. i love the way we can all be so jaded one moment and tearing up the next. i love how medicine moves in very linear, sensible arcs with just enough unpredictability to keep me curious. i love looking at things dance in microscopic drops of body fluids. i love wrestling a 201# st bernard on an xray table. today was a good day. we were all giddy and crude for no particular reason. i drove home feeling very fucking contented, optimistic, fortunate. so the pendulum swings.
it seems that the more disturbing my reality, the better my dreams are. i tend to have a lot of sexual dreams at these times. last night: i was in the old place in yelm, which bore no resemblence to the actual. it was a sunny summer day and the rest of the neighborhood had gone off to work. i was sneaking into a house a block or so over to cavort with the man (younger and fresh) under a brown woolen blanket in his rather slothful bedroom. i was younger in the dream as well... it was almost like two illicit teenagers fucking around while the parents were away. and it was pleasant. i woke up sweaty. the sensation was lovely for a split second, and then i felt really fucking old. i thought, i will never be an awestruck virgin again. i will never have that terrifying first rush of touching someone else's skin. i will never not be so consumed with myself and the new experience that i neglect to wonder about their pasts.
i can feel the potential for that novelty, though... for the first time in years. i was laying in bed, unsticking my legs, in my impoverished-student apartment, realizing that i still get carded every time i buy cigarettes. i bounce around like a hyperactive puppet. i am wearing furry knee-high socks, for fuck's sake. my flirtation with responsibility, my marriage, has ended in a most immature way. tony had all sorts of pictures professionally matted and framed at high cost. i am a thumbtack kind of girl, and if it isn;t crooked when it's put up, o happy accident.