life can be so unnervingly simple.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
i get 'red skies at night' in my head at least once a day
clickin' = enlargin'. this is in front of my school.
i am gaspingly unmotivated. all i want to do is be with him. everything else is a time-consuming, thuddingly dull distraction.
*
i have spent this rare sunny friday doing laundry. three loads on one washer/dryer. the downstairs neighbor is playing his music loudly. i skipped class yesterday (to my credit, i was feeling like shit; it wasn't completely due to lackadasia) and finished "you'll never nanny in this town again" whilst sprawled on the floor of the odious chain bookstore. i needed to give my brain a rest (even though i've already read "sTORItelling" and "tatum o'neal: a paper life" in the shamefully recent past). it is lurid and name-droppy- quite fascinating, really. i have newfound respect for danny devito and rhea perlman.
*
my coworker's daughter showed off her preemie daughter at work last night- 9 days old, 7 weeks early, out of the hospital after a week of being tube fed and attached to a ventilator. we could only look, not touch. i had never seen such a small human before. as of yesterday she weighed 4lbs 6oz. her head was the size of a navel orange. we all cooed politely, as wenches do, until her daughter and the baby left and my coworker said "i call her 'the grub'."
the tv was on in the break room at work last night, showing the late-night news. i was tuning it out, reading the springsteen article in rolling stone. but when i heard "president obama" i looked up at the screen and immediately grinned.
i am gaspingly unmotivated. all i want to do is be with him. everything else is a time-consuming, thuddingly dull distraction.
*
i have spent this rare sunny friday doing laundry. three loads on one washer/dryer. the downstairs neighbor is playing his music loudly. i skipped class yesterday (to my credit, i was feeling like shit; it wasn't completely due to lackadasia) and finished "you'll never nanny in this town again" whilst sprawled on the floor of the odious chain bookstore. i needed to give my brain a rest (even though i've already read "sTORItelling" and "tatum o'neal: a paper life" in the shamefully recent past). it is lurid and name-droppy- quite fascinating, really. i have newfound respect for danny devito and rhea perlman.
*
my coworker's daughter showed off her preemie daughter at work last night- 9 days old, 7 weeks early, out of the hospital after a week of being tube fed and attached to a ventilator. we could only look, not touch. i had never seen such a small human before. as of yesterday she weighed 4lbs 6oz. her head was the size of a navel orange. we all cooed politely, as wenches do, until her daughter and the baby left and my coworker said "i call her 'the grub'."
the tv was on in the break room at work last night, showing the late-night news. i was tuning it out, reading the springsteen article in rolling stone. but when i heard "president obama" i looked up at the screen and immediately grinned.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
saturated. saturated, baby.
these pictures were taken over the weekend in a roughly 30 mile diameter from seattle.
amid the moistness, on a nondescript rural road north of snohomish, i happened upon a tree of shoes.
amid the moistness, on a nondescript rural road north of snohomish, i happened upon a tree of shoes.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
time will tell. but i'm the most impatient person i know.
my car is currently 10' off the ground, having a new muffler installed. the (free, siphoned) internet connection at my lair is defunct. it has been pouring rain and windy as hell. and... him. i am in a state of perpetual nervousness- giddiness manically augmented with trepidation, sensibility, worry about what the rest of the world will think. i trust too easily- and yet i don't trust at all. i was rereading some old journals last night (notebooks are still where i write the truly abasing twaddle), trying to retain some perspective. i don't want to lose myself again. i just want to be happy and love and be loved and savor my fucking life. the crushing doubt only surfaces when i'm left alone with my own logic and some really awful memories.
this has happened so many times. i cannot rely on anyone else to listen to me, to feign sympathy, to be supportive. welcoming him back into my life in any form means that i automatically isolate myself from the rest of my world- and that's incredibly fucked up. what would i do if it was someone i cared about, telling me a similar scenario? i would wince. i would be supportive but voice my concerns. and i wouldn't be able to fully stifle my misgivings, no matter how carefully i concealed them. watching people make the same fucking stupid mistakes is one of the most frustrating things i can imagine- waiting for the inevitable wreckage, their squeals of bewilderment, their "how could i have let this happen again?"s. knowing that, how can i not be utterly annoyed with myself?
because it still feels right. it feels natural as hell. because we both needed that time to figure out who and what the fuck we are. because we have seen each other at our absolute hateful worst. because i can finally appreciate him as him, not as an extension of me. because love in any form is a fucking rare thing, and to turn away from it in any form is the most lifeless action anyone can possibly do.
we both have to prove ourselves. my standards are much higher now. and i can honestly say that we'll both be fine regardless of what happens. the last two years have definitely taught us that.
i have to go rescue my car from its lofty perch.
this has happened so many times. i cannot rely on anyone else to listen to me, to feign sympathy, to be supportive. welcoming him back into my life in any form means that i automatically isolate myself from the rest of my world- and that's incredibly fucked up. what would i do if it was someone i cared about, telling me a similar scenario? i would wince. i would be supportive but voice my concerns. and i wouldn't be able to fully stifle my misgivings, no matter how carefully i concealed them. watching people make the same fucking stupid mistakes is one of the most frustrating things i can imagine- waiting for the inevitable wreckage, their squeals of bewilderment, their "how could i have let this happen again?"s. knowing that, how can i not be utterly annoyed with myself?
because it still feels right. it feels natural as hell. because we both needed that time to figure out who and what the fuck we are. because we have seen each other at our absolute hateful worst. because i can finally appreciate him as him, not as an extension of me. because love in any form is a fucking rare thing, and to turn away from it in any form is the most lifeless action anyone can possibly do.
we both have to prove ourselves. my standards are much higher now. and i can honestly say that we'll both be fine regardless of what happens. the last two years have definitely taught us that.
i have to go rescue my car from its lofty perch.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
a week in contrasts
garbage pickup was about 2 weeks behind after the snowstorm. this is downtown.
a greyhound at work with what was believed to be necrotizing fasciitis, aka 'alabama rot'- a breed-specific condition (first discovered in alabama, hence the name). a culture showed severe streptococcus instead.
my fucked-up tire, mid-fix:
and what he brought when we saw each other:
a greyhound at work with what was believed to be necrotizing fasciitis, aka 'alabama rot'- a breed-specific condition (first discovered in alabama, hence the name). a culture showed severe streptococcus instead.
my fucked-up tire, mid-fix:
and what he brought when we saw each other:
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