rio

i cannot properly articulate how fucking sad i am to be back.
anchorage exceeded my expectations. by, like, a LOT.
what fucking matters? being in a place i love and feeling ALONE and therefore unable to fully enjoy it... or being in a place i don't really like where the people are fantastic, the lifestyle is so much more open and laid-back, and i feel so much more like myself?
*
seattle makes me feel uneasy. i love it but i'm still a visitor here.
i got off the train downtown. no one made eye contact. i passed groups of people in their peacocky friday finery- girls in stupid heels and tight jeans, guys with fucking emo haircuts and pallid skin. they would get their self-conscious asses laughed out of alaska. i felt at home in anchorage... fuck, i felt beautiful. here i become an introverted hippie observer. the sky was dark and the air was cold. i listened to cypress hill and wiped my eyes on my sweater.
it was good to see the beasts. their water bowl was completely dry. i filled it and they drank frantically for the next ten minutes. routine- back to reality- as if the last 5 days didn't fucking happen. i'm just much more fucking despondent now.
it is probably a good thing that i forgot the usb cord at the lair... i cannot upload photographs. looking at them would be too taxing right now. so i am simply by myself on a fucking friday, siphoning wifi and having to listen to rod stewart.
this photograph from, i believe, wednesday night, was taken at 126am AST. that's as dark as it fucking gets.

i am going to torture myself on craigslist now.
tomorrow will be better.
vacations are not indicative of reality. anchorage is not always 75 and sunny and light and flirty and free and fun and frolicsome. still, i really wish i'd had a shitty time. it would make being back in my silly world a lot more manageable.
and concurrently, seattle is not always unseasonably ass-cold and dark and filled with tired sickly people who don't want to go out. my waitress has a necklace made out of guitar picks and we had a lovely conversation about it. someone left me a marilyn monroe warhol print in my absense. the lights are glowing against a misty sky. i walked under the queen anne radio towers and looked up at them and smiled as i always do. there are some really fucking good things here too.
and my neighbor who moved out did leave her barbecue! i have been inspired by the amazing kabobs of yesterday (was it just yesterday?). i WILL be using the fucking thing. in the eventual actual summer. and it'll be awesome. watch me.
much love...
and no edit