several things horrify me: vaguely remembering sniveling and crying at the bar while he held me. uncertainty if I paid. the flawless autopilot I am capable of whilst trashed- things carefully put away, cats fed, perfume applied before I fall asleep.
I have been drinking since I was seventeen- and still can't do so in a wise, adult manner. fucking embarrassing. and shameful. I am disgusted with myself.
anyway.
the neighbors are moving. there is much clattering and shrill conversation. they are on the deck. entropy was staring out the window. "what's up with that cat?" one of them asked. "does it only have one eye?" I was sitting on the sofa, fucking knitting and being disheveled, and smiled politely as two strangers were suddenly peering into my lair. I will be pleased when they're gone.
*
i am up early enough to listen to the psychedelic 60s show on kzok. the amboy dukes. sunlight through storm clouds. the lake is glittering. tiresias is sitting beside me. "you are my little sentinel of love" I told him.
*
more later when I can upload photos and not be so crushingly fucking vapid.
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