the rain in shambala

it's springtime.

i almost adopted another fucking cat the other night. he was found in a pothole at 6th and michigan, approx 3 months old, presumed dead. he sustained some severe head trauma. animal control brought him into the clinic. he was blind. "OHHH! HE'S BLIND!" i gasped, helpless. do NOT put a pathetic blind orphan cat around me, because i will take it.

my other 'special' cats are completely neurologically sound; not so this one. he would be minimally responsive and meowing and purring, and then... nothing. he would become a statue. i'd never seen anything like it before this guy... a living creature can become utterly catatonic whilst sitting upright. we all took turns laughing, snapping our fingers next to his ears... and nothing. it was eerie and amusing at the same time- amusing because he never seemed to be in pain.
he would revive long enough to head-press the walls of his cage.

the diagnostic abilities with SAC (seattle animal control) patients are very limited... so we couldn't do xrays, for example, to see if he had a fractured skull. without knowing when the injuries were sustained it was not prudent to give something like mannitol... and what if he had something viral and not anything related to an injury? the litmus test for me to take him home was if he knew to use a litter box.
and he did.
"oh, SHIT" i said.
"brynn has a new cat!" someone crowed.
i was holding him in my lap after that, having decided that he was coming home (eventually) with me... and he started to seizure. that was the other litmus test.
i held him while he was euthanized.
even though it was the only decision to make, i cried.
*
i cannot even articulate how fucking burned out i am right now. i don't need to be applying emotional attachments to my job, to doomed animals, to fucked cases. that's amateur shit... i should be over that. and i HAVE been. i've been professionally numb for years. this last month has thwarted that sensibility somewhat and i have no idea why, but it's extremely inconvenient and is making me rethink my ethics about what i do.
*

i read the first part of "working in the shadows" by gabriel thompson this evening. you should also.
i also read most of "south of no north", my latest bukowski.... a hell of a lot more self-referential and therefore poignant. personal awareness breaks my heart- both as a participant and an observer. it indicates the most vulnerable sort of humanity. we're trapped within ourselves... you best like and do right by yourself. if you don't, you're fucked. take that, sartre.
i spent a fair bit of today walking through the brilliant glinty sunshine repeatedly listening to "99 problems" and "alphabet aerobics" at top volume. fuck you. they're good songs.