burnt

today will be the 5th of 6 consecutive 9+ hour shifts. the clinic has been busy and the doctors impatient and inconsiderate. I euthanized a seizuring dog- his tremors subsided as his heart stopped. how much lasting damage have I caused myself, by forcing my brain to think purely clinically in moments like those? if I think about any aspect of my job for too long i am reminded of how disturbing much of it is: cardiac arrest and trach tubes filled with blood. 62kg dogs unable to walk, gasping with pneumonia, and owners who won't just put them out of their fucking misery. neurologic cats made blind and incontinent by an at-home overdose of insulin. anything having to do with fucking ferrets.
of course there are the good things. I love my coworkers, I love hiding in the lab, I love treat-&-street cases like the exuberant puppy who had benign diarrhea. I love cases like "mithrandir", the cat who had his ass eaten by a raccoon and endured a full month of tail amputations, pelvic surgery, anal fistula repair, resistant enterococcus, and isolation treatment- and went home still purring (at least $13,000 later).
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I just got a mass email from one of my former classmates, inviting everyone to a 'yoga for bodyworkers' seminar. I never did like her- superficially chirpy and vapid. she signed the email "love and light!" god, I fucking hate massage therapists...
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I am sitting on my deck in a tshirt. I have goosebumps and my nipples are fully erect but by god, it's almost summer.