december boys got it bad

a "certificate program" at UW for art (i am eyeing the figure and portrait course) stretches over 3 semesters and costs about $2,000. when i think about it i feel fluttery. i have savings.
i am amassing "usable" tools yet constantly seeking "frivolous" ones.
happiness is paramount. i still have this fantasy of being smudgy and intense in a canvas-filled loft... and i'm not getting any younger. i'm not going to be a fucking veterinary nurse forever- god help me- and p offered his space if i want to do massages there. WHERE THE FUCK DO I WANT TO BE?
honestly:
i want to be making shit. i want to be physically active. i want to get my hands dirty. i want people around to banter with. that is what i want my life to involve. i want the atmosphere of the building at western and yesler. i want the viaduct casting setting sun shadows over half-finished pieces... and i want to be ravaged on a dropcloth.
i was encouraging s yesterday to pursue this yoga retreat in california. it involves a 6 month intensive... the yoga thing made me cringe... i am just not into the noodly new-agey claptrap. but she is, and her face got animated while she was describing it, and when she started listing the reasons why it was a stupid idea i cut her off. "you are passionate about this" i said. "you need to do this." she smiled and nodded. "i am saying this advice for both of us" i added. she laughed. "i do that too" she said.
*
today:
woke early, read the paper, took a nap. had a horrible dream that i was stranded in alaska. i was flying there with my parents and the plane had to detour en route to anchorage. we ended up in a town that does not exist in reality but that i've dreamt about before- do other people have completely seperate 'dream landscapes', where certain entirely invented settings have reoccuring themes? it's creepy if i think too much about it... what the fuck is my mind up to, manifesting an alternate reality? i made it to anchorage... found s at the place she was working (which was in lake city, seattle, but still in anchorage... completely logical in the dream) and she ignored me. i got a curt "oh, hi" and that was it. i sat outside under amber streetlights. teenage boys were trying to bum cigarettes from me. "i don't have any" i said wearily. the dream had that icky overcurrent of "i don't belong here, i don't belong anywhere." i awoke sweating. i thrashed. i kicked one of the cats off the sofa. the time was 12:23pm and outside, the sun was shining.
midday nap-nightmares freak me the fuck out. i have always had horrible dreams- if i can remember my dreams, they are generally disturbing- and the combination of daytime sleep + nightmare tends to fuck with my head. it makes me feel jittery and lonely.
*
i jumped my ass off on the trampoline. the strangelove's version of "i want candy" was perfect.
*
apparently the 'swing out' in lindy hop is the hardest move to learn. i learned it tonight. one of my partners told me i "bounce very well." i smiled back and didn't remember until a few minutes later that, as usual, i was not wearing a bra.
*
today's route:
lair to downtown. pioneer square. subterranean ephemera shop. gen maicha at elliott bay. express bus to ballard. i got off at the bridge and walked to fremont. the sun was shining. i didn't bring a coat. bus to the u district. fondling evergreens with soft needles outside the architecture building. bus to capitol hill. liberty. dance class. walked downtown. bus to fremont. i am here now. lap one. pass the baton.
i cover a lot of ground. i don't realize that until afterwards.
*
i keep thinking i should feel less content than i do, but today, despite its bland description, was rather fucking awesome. i was comfortably esconced in my own head and walking under voluptuously blossomy trees. strangers smiled back. i thought "i want to do everything, but i have all the time in the world to do so."
currently, my world is 6"x10" and glowing.
*
inexplicably, big star plays.