wearing my love like heaven

in my ethics class at massage school, a large amount of time has been devoted to 'owning our emotions.' "no one else has the ability to make you feel anything" says the teacher. "you decide how to react to a situation." this concept is being stressed as primarily a 'defense' against future clientele who may be needy/unsalubrious/draining- we need to have the ability to 'shake off' their energy so we don't make it ours. and touch is an excellent conduit for feeling like we understand and relate to another person more than we actually do...
it has made the last few days of extracurricular shite a lot more seamlessly dealt with. after feeling like a bruised fucking flower it occured to me: do i want to be happy or sad? who is this person to me, anyhow? how are they worth one fig of my time? and the sun literally came through the clouds, i breezily said aloud "fuck it", and jumped on my trampoline to led zeppelin.
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life is far more manageable when viewed as an intriguing novel that i am a comical character in. as long as this novel makes me want to keep reading it, i'm golden.
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that was awfully fucking treacly.
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i would have been married for 5 years on thursday. i remembered halfway through the day. this also helped my mood shift to the better. i thought "i'm so much fucking better off." i still, obviously, get angry. and sad. and i feel really fucking cheated sometimes. and occasionally i miss the shit out of him. once loved, always loved, even if i never want to see or hear from him again. it makes me wonder what the fucking point is: accumulation of memories? is that what life is essentially about?
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i had a dream last night that i was having to perform various gymnastic/range-of-motion shoulder sequences for two of my coworkers. they were standing on either side of me, looking solemn. i was supine on my bed and my hair was falling out in handfuls. they were impassively watching me get more and more flustered. i woke to two of the cats flanking me instead, staring me down. they were out of food. it is nice to feel needed.