inhaling

my droning solliloquy of tuesday was spontaneously erased, which is probably for the best. i have been in a sour, self-indulgently morose mood for the last few days, comically culminating in abrupt bawling for no concrete reason whilst listening at top volume to a very good song in my lair this morning (A Song With a Past, as it were). i felt both silly and refreshed afterwards. i haven't really emoted for the last month. this is a bit unlike me; i usually tend to be a bit of a drama queen. perhaps dramatic tendencies tend to dissapate when there is no audience?

i picked up the last of my rubbish from yelm on monday while he was at work. driving on the familiar roads put me in a bit of a panic; my hands were shaking. i had to keep reminding myself that i have my own life now, a life i am allover more happy with. the house was trashed. the empty boxes i'd left on the front porch a month ago were still there, wilted by the rain. inside smelled like old food and stale air. geddy (the cat i left with him) was shrieking for attention. it was as though he'd not been there for weeks. i had already mapped out how to get the last few things as quickly as possible, not bothering to glance around; i was out of there in five minutes. that was undoubtedly what prompted this last bout of despondency. utter bewilderment that that was ever my life; disgust that he obviously hadn't gotten his shit together; pity over how lonely geddy seemed; annoyance that once again, i am reminded of how much of my life i feel that i wasted. i would respect tony a lot more if the place had been warm and lived in, that he was moving on in the world he created before he ever met me. seeing things as they were only amplified my revulsion. i don't miss him at all. i feel like a fucking asshole to admit that.

the subsequent mood comes from being lonely. i was fantasizing about coming home and just holding someone. not him. someone who was warm and soft and already asleep, someone i could sidle up next to and just hold. someone who would hold me. i sound like such a fucking girl.

meanwhile, i have been blowing through all the money i spent the last year (and 50+ hr workweeks) saving. the apartment, the car... and music, which i have been buying again for the first time in months. bought my airline ticket to vegas today for the vet conference. i will be there in 2.5 weeks. it will be nice to feed my brain. i detest las vegas. revision: i detest the strip. i hate only seeing tourists, ignorant and obese and squinting stupidly, or locals thrusting escort flyers at me. i hate the fucking excess. i hate old people compulsively wasting their retirement on slot machines. i hate loud boys in backward baseball caps getting drunk on watered-down free alcohol, and the constant noise, and $3 vending-machine sodas, and women tarted up in shoes they can't walk in. perhaps off the strip it is another world entirely. i would hate to live there.

music-wise: the new soundtrack of our lives is in the auto right now. at first listen i dismissed it as talented but generic pop- definitely more upbeat than their last 2 albums. but it has grown on me. "midnight children" and track 13 are currently the songs that stand out the most. before that i had been listening to phish's 'story of the ghost' relentlessly; i stole it from the lacey library almost a year ago. phish albums tend to build momentum as they play; the last half is almost always superior. when i think of this era, it will be that album, and air, and donovan's version of 'codine'.

i am nervous about this deleting itself, and i don't know how to save it, so shall continue in a moment.