rebellion

i have a mental retort for everything right now. i feel snotty, like i need to act out and be a bit of a brat. why? because this weekend proved to me the kind of life i want and cannot currently have, am absolutely not ready to have, how powerless truly caring about somebody else makes me feel and how FUCKING PISSED OFF i am with myself to feel that way right now. i react the way i always do, by trying to isolate and distract myself, ihavemyownlifenow, listening to the sound of my own breathing and discerning the ultimate peace in that.
as usual, i need to fucking relax. i am also shamefully fucking resentful that no one else seems to be as overtly agitated as i. these are the aspects of my personality that i cannot stand. if i wasn't also a fucking exhibitionist, i would wisely keep these traits off the computer.
driving home from the overnight shift in grey watercolor this morning. traffic was horrible and i kept nodding off and veering out of my lane. pulled off in federal way and took a power nap in a parking lot to the sound of staccato rain on the car roof. dreamt that i was in a dimly red-lit arcade and he and i were bouncing a rubber ball back and forth. started off benignly, but then he began hogging the ball, purposely throwing it askance, always able to catch it neatly as i fumbled. i was getting frustrated and irate. part of me wanted to walk away and let him, as it were, play with his own fucking ball, but i didn't. i was trying to remain cool, laugh it off, try not to feel too incompetent. i woke up gasping, completely disoriented, my head resting against the steering wheel, the windows fogged. i could not have made up a more succinct metaphor of my current mental state than this fucking dream. and dreams that are so blatantly indicative rather unnerve me; i drove the rest of the way to seattle feeling alternately disgusted, depressed, and vexed. of course, i know i'll be fine, since i just smiled over the word 'vexed.'
went to my 3rd AA meeting tonight, an atheist forum. much, much more accessible philosophy: as someone there put it, "we're just a bunch of fuck-ups who drank too much." but there was also an uncomfortable overtone of everyone needing to justify their atheism, which reminded me of too many high-school evenings over coffee and cigarettes and nonage and autonomy and the meaning of life. hearing adults restate their beliefs gives me the impression that they're only trying to convince themselves. again, prickly attitude on my part. i've enjoyed AA thus far not because i need personal ballast and affirmation, but because it's an amazing way to hear about other people and the similar things they're going through. the most valuable thing i can do is get out of my own fucking head.
the cherry trees are blossoming. other trees are already dropping big red flowers on the wet pavement. walking down the side streets by myself, passing people walking dogs, everyone smiling. today i finally found minced dried papaya in washington, for fuck's sake! i had been looking for almost four years! there are shit days and good days. so why does it seem to take longer to recover from good days than horrible ones?