introversion to a fault. it's kind of always to a fault.

i have been sporadically unable to talk properly for the last few days. i sound like i;m drunk. i'm having specific issues with short vowels and syllables... since i have all the time in the world with my fucking brain to contemplate the situation precisely. i am trying to remain lucid and logical about it: i have MS, which is so insignificant that i have to remind myself of that fact... until it intrudes and forces me to remember. i still get so fucking terrified of What Could Happen and so frantic to prove how aware and appreciative of my body i am: today, for example, i did everything else normally. i moved well, walked everywhere, didn't think about it until i had to open my fucking mouth. i am accustomed to the sort of existence that allows me to, say, do what i did in the last 24 hours: work an 11 hour shift on my feet and running around; jump on the trampoline whilst blasting the, sigh, go-go's; draw; draw blood from puny veins; operate a stick shift on the freeway; buy groceries, 6# of apples in one arm and 10# of cat litter in the other... I USE MY BODY TO LIVE.
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it's all good until i speak.
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i've been hyperaware, over the last few days, of other people's mannerisms. i'm trying to convince myself that it's not a disease flaring up, that i;m merely neurotic. lesson: people stammer a lot! they slur words together and pause in odd places and use "uh" and "um" relentlessly. it's comforting to truly pay attention to such 'imperfections'... yet another example of humans thinking they're far more ostentatiously fucked up than they are. everyone's too bogged down with their own shit... we all have carte blanche.
i wonder if other people do this: compare themselves to those around them to convince them they're, if not "normal", at least fucked-up in a blend-in-able way? i assume so... but it's one of those eerie vulnerabilities that not many people talk about.
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so much of this is probably just me working myself up into a tedious brynn-froth... but i'm seeing my neurologist on monday anyway. fucking peace of mind, justification, whatever... i need that.
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s left for texas today. i drove him to the airport. and then i drove away. i didn't cry until i hit the freeway. the loneliness slammed down. it doesn't help that the weather is wrist-slittingly bleak and cold... and it's the holidays, and despite how much i vehemently insist that i don't give a fig about such bullshit, it does tend to make one feel slightly nostalgic and isolated. we woke up to his evil alarm and the warm blankets and i didn't want the world to change. i thought "pause this... this is good." but life goes on and he's gone for several weeks and i smacked a car upon return to seattle (no damage or injury, just proof that i was in my own fog and not paying fucking attention) and i spent a long time rereading the same articles in the paper and playing with the cats and wandering vaguely.
i went to ballard and fondled scarves. the guy at the bank told me that one out of twenty people come in reeking of pot. i bought a coconut chai and two cds. some place was selling cedar balls for 50 cents apiece. i recognized a dog with very distinctive hair that was at the ER last night- i don't remember what for- she looked fine now. bus to the u district: the driver let two homeless people on whilst reprimanding them. "i'll let you ride anyways" he said. the woman thanked him meekly. jasmine incense. girls in ill-fitting pants and ugly boots and open-mouthed laughter; guys with pasty skin and flat asses and dirty hair. bus to capitol hill: listening to blur and nodding off. 00-gauge spacers. the rain started. walked here, where i am now typing this, with my hands in my pockets- a bolus of rain fell from an eave 4 stories up and landed in my pocket too.
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this is a 'take a step back' kind of day. perhaps after class i will make a ridiculous soup. i'm going to dice my ass off.
here's a facebook outtake... am i the only one who gets narcissistic in public bathrooms? no?

my flippancy belies my fear. everything will work out regardless. life has a funny way.