antici....

i have no life.

i take that back- i have been so fucking inconsolably JANGLY lately, i can scarcely tolerate myself. this is entirely self-induced... yet another example of not appreciating the moment in lieu of completely unsatisfying possibilities.
(see: quebec, copenhagen, paris, platinum blonde, nose piercing, the atelier, new orleans...)
i get so fucking exhausted with myself sometimes.
*
every winter i fluctuate between two extremes: the "yay, i live in seattle" mindset of appreciating bare pavement and culture and tall trees and scarves; and the "fuck, i live in seattle" mindset of blinking dully at relentless greyness and pale skin and varying shades of grim and SAD and perpetual dampness. this winter has kicked my psychological ass thus far and it's not even halfway through december. i am sure there are other reasons for that... i am overworked and frustrated and underpaid and unsatisfied and always looking for the fucking thrill that will somehow distract me from the ennui and make everything better. this is a childish way to view the world. dissatisfaction dissolves into self-deprecation.
i passed this on capitol hill:

it helped.
tonight it fucking poured, again. we stood outside the sanctuary and took pictures.
this is a shitty picture, but i was getting wet.
saturated.


antique scream is a fucking awesome band from the bowels of oregon. they have the rawkstar thing down, i must say.


the past few weeks:
red walls.
homemade guacamole that kicked ass, if i do say so.
culture shock: india.
walking at night and listening to "you put the lime in the coconut, you're such a silly woman."
insomnia.
feeling like a feral cat.
dogs vomiting chocolate, chewing tobacco, marijuana, and antiinflammatories.
clary sage.
knees in stirrups while i'm asked what i'm doing for the holidays.
slurring without being drunk.
gala apples with cinnamon sugar.
ceviche.
ginger.
eloy.
making a fucking ass out of myself.
*
looking at my life and smiling nurturingly, bemusedly, detachedly: "oh brynn, you silly, silly little girl."