the ides of march

i got home from work at 330am, was asleep by about 430, and woke at 730 to entropy pushing a ring around on the counter- a subtle yet supremely grating noise. i cannot wait until she is geriatric and lackadaisical.
but had this not happened, had i slept as a normal person might, i would have missed the motherfucking snow that was falling sloppily on the 15th day of march:

this winter has sapped my soul. i know it is finite; i see neighbors bleakly planting daffodils in the icy dirt. the stores are filled with unflattering clothes in pastel shades. one of my coworkers was even planning to run a marathon along hwy 99 today.
it has since turned to rain. rain, i can embrace.
i keep thinking of new orleans.
*
journalistic pap... my head is still in an unrealistic place.

i told him on tuesday to not contact me again. my habits are shameful and predictable. and as usual, i feel incredibly better now. my astonishment with how fucking easy things can be without just one nasty element is growing repetitive, i realize. life shouldn't ever be as fucking hard as i can make it for myself. and there is no reason why anyone should have to put up with crap. when i'm dying, am i going to wish i'd expended more energy in dealing with bullshit? no... but i will wish i was fucking nicer.
ultimately, there is only so much one person can do. if the other person in the situation isn't trying to make things pleasant, i feel quite justified in stepping away and living my own fucking life regardless.
i don't kick myself for embracing idealism. it's naive as fuck, but it's a nice way to live.
i am slowly restoring the lair to its former lustre.

immediately after valentine's day i forgot to stock up on discounted candy. the hearts, in particular, gave me panic- the thought of having to wait until what, boxing day to procure more seemed intolerable. so i have been scouring seattle for dregs. i found a shitload for 9 cents a box at a drugstore and stocked up. my inadvertant plan, which is working out very effectively, is to get so fucking sick of these horrible things that i never want to see or taste them again, holiday novelty be damned.
so now i have a cache. i expect it will grow stale and rather soft and the evolved, fouler texture will appeal to me anew.

i was reading about apomorphine, the veterinary emetic, at work the other day. apparently apomorphine is used widely in europe and parts of asia as an erectile-enhancement drug, akin to viagra. it is in the works to be approved for the same purpose in the us. "it causes significant nausea and vomiting in ~10% of its users, to the point where they discontinue use" the pdr said. i was looking up the drug to get a proper dosage for a dog that had eaten about 3# of unbaked pizza dough... watching him vomit yeasty slime with a miserable expression on his face... wondering if he's thinking about a stirring in his loins whilst doing so.
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i should have perhaps phrased that last sentence a bit differently. that sounded really fucking gross.