things have been good. school is doubtlessly one of the most positive things i've done for my life in years. i have not had a cigarette since 4 july 2008. the days have been warm and filled with dr dog, peanuts 'n' dry kamut cereal, laser-pointering the cats, keeping my nails short and torso aligned. the one black spot on the last several weeks: family dynamics. i keep hoping things are better with my relationship with my parents. but then they aren't. last week my father admitted that my mother is a 'functioning alcoholic' (which was quite a relief to hear aloud- thank god someone else acknowledged this) (she was not present at the time) and then proceeded to tell me that my various autoimmune inconveniences are a product of my own weak will, that i 'let things' happen to me. "you were healthy as a kid" he said. "i don't understand why you suddenly think you have all these problems"... among other nasty, unprovoked, jaw-droppingly passive-aggressive things, stated with weird glittering hateful eyes that i did not fucking recognize. i had been inanely, cheerfully babbling about something random (the cute ketchup bottle? the buildings he'd inspected that day?) and was abruptly floored with his disgust and resentment- i thought "he fucking blames me, he hates me, he is such an unhappy person"- i cannot state it articulately at all, but it was a feeling of "whoa- holy shit- what just happened?" my dad has always had the ability to scare the fucking shit out of me. i tried to repeatedly nullify the situation- "we had such a good time last week, let's just relax"- "can we change the subject please?"- "i'm sorry i misunderstood you."- until finally i said "dad, i love you, and i'm really sorry, but i have to go now." and i walked out of the restaurant.
when i got to the sidewalk i did a couple unattractive huffy-breaths but, weirdly, i did not cry. i just started walking. for a moment i felt like that fucking sixteen-year-old with a fat lip and nowhere to go, but then i remembered that i have my own life now... and lots of places to go.
i don't even want to write about it because it makes me very fucking sad. and embarrassed. and furious. and i feel like an ungrateful, ignorant fucking asshole, but i am so fucking tired of his behavior towards me and my mother and everyone else that i am about ready to call it a fucking draw.
a family is one you choose- people whom you love because they are lovable and they love you back.
and an interjection: i am fine. i am healthy and happy and have the bloodwork and tanned arms and annoying laugh to prove it. and i can repeat that incessantly to my father, i can physically SHOW him, but he has a loop of self-invented libel in his head to drown reality out. always has. and anything i say or do is irrelevent- it interferes with his negative agenda. in lieu of arguing pointlessly, i acquiesce like a little bitch.
i've known a surprising number of men like this, actually.
on a brighter, far brighter note, i just discovered a new and delicious form of crack! thanks, thestranger.com!
http://www.parallelfilmguide.com/index.php?title=Main_Page
further length and brevity shall ensue sooner.
that, i realize as i type, would be a beast of a sentence to diagram.
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