high to low. serendipity to shit. the better my mood, the more crushing and immediate the doledrums. this is the story of my life.
i have been a snotty little bitch today. work was grueling and my coworkers were annoying. perhaps i am sleep-deprived. i am always sleep-deprived. i stagger around in a constant haze, looking like crap, unable for the past what, few years, to sleep more than six hours a night. the past month has been reduced to four on average, with bizarre and depressing dreams, waking to cats and wintertime congestion and predawn blackness and a vague feeling of lonely dread.
the dream i had last night: i was meeting my ex to finalize the divorce. "can we have one more night together, for old time's sake?" he asked. "no, absolutely not" i said, part of me immediately wondering if this final chance would be the one in which we would finally get things irrevocably right. i woke up panicked. panicked in my dark lair, MY world, the beasts sprawled about, taking a mental account of the fact that no, i am here, this is my reality and i am not going anywhere else. this must be akin to a recovering alcoholic roused from a dream about drinking. it upset me, depressed me, freaked me out. bad habits never go away, they exist in various levels of suppression.
i picture an animated thundercloud hovering above my head. self-pity is so fucking unattractive. luckily i am not trying to impress anyone.
'dear mr fantasy' is playing. as it does. and i always make some gushing comment about how fucking amazing a song it is, how it gets into my soul and dampens my nether-regions and invokes fancies of heavy-lidded hot-mouthed lolling. whatever.
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