life is fucking weird

i accessed the homer pictures as 'inner city blues' started playing. fucking eerie. i hadn't thought about that trip in years. fucking fun, it was. oh, back in the days when i had trust. i miss that. i miss utter comfort and fearlessness. i miss the lack of stick up ass. damn it all, anyway.
i also miss that hat. that was a great hat.
i fucking miss alaska.
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my current life is so fucking solitary. much of this is self-induced and self-perpetuated. i have spent the nearly 5 years that i have lived in washington being alone- and yes, that included being married, as that was undoubtedly the loneliest, most pathetic era of my life. being by myself is comfortable, safe... and when i think about it analytically, either the height of narcissism or the nadir of despondency.
i go to court tomorrow. part of me is tempted to say 'fuck it' to the entire thing, beg the judge to just annul the fucking thing and let me walk away with nothing but my freedom. this entire ordeal has been such a collossal clusterfuck. i am eager to feel how much less stressed i will be when this is over. but it will not be over tomorrow, alas. i can honestly say that he is a fucking piece of shit. i am horrified that i ever loved him, ever believed in him, ever let him inside of me. i hate him for making me fear that i will never let my fucking guard down again.
jeez, i certainly do curse a lot. how plebian and inarticulate of me.
'fuck', as an adjective/expletive, is certainly my favorite word. 'glee', 'obstreporous', 'shindig', 'minx', all worthy yet distant contenders. i was muttering crudely at work the other day, oblivious to my coarseness, and a coworker (in a favorable manner) said "yeah, she's a salty one." that made me very happy, actually.
an odd thing, reminded by the aforementioned photos: i don't 'hate' anyone else who has ever been in my life. i can still remember the good times, i can still see their pictures and smile, i still wonder how they are and wish them well. not many of them may deserve such amity, granted. perhaps i am a simpleton, far too easily shat upon... or maybe recognizing that at one point they made me laugh and think and come and live in the present prompts a sense of goodwill that doesn't just go away.