shit has gone down. again. perhaps these cyclical mindfucks are to keep me in check, enhance appreciation of the sunny stuff, remain humble, but FUCK. again, FUCK.
he keeps calling. i rang my cell company and asked if i could block calls. the woman was very nice and apologetic. "we're working on that but unfortunately we cannot" she said. i left a message at the court asking about restraining or no-contact orders. they haven't called back. everything was supposed to be fucking done in two weeks. actually, yeah, it was supposed to be fucking done a year ago. i am intolerant of being fucked with. sadly, this intolerance is a fairly recent mindset.
i feel sick when i think about it, so perhaps i should not.
but no, i am not yet done venting. the worst thing about all of this: i am cynical as fuck as a result, and it is depressing. every hideous relationship i have been in, and there have been several, began with rapture, adoration, trust, glee. the cruelly abusive behaviors did not seep in until i was digging them enough to tolerate it. perhaps i was young, insecure, immature, naive, so self-loathing that my gratitude over anyone enduring me at all was worth it. this is an embarrassingly difficult habit to break. even now, part of me expects the cruelty, welcomes physical abuse, wants them to lose their temper- because i am used to that, it's familiar, and their rage must mean they really care. goddamn. i am so fucking fucked up.
i am afraid that something horrible is going to happen, and the courts will have not done anything, and the fucking phone company will shrug and blame technology, and i will be scared or injured or dead.
it is nice to read prior entries and recall my upbeat solliloquys. i hope that things will improve soon. fuck it all, anyway.
oh yeah: don't ever get fucking married. ever.
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