my horrible day involved breaking up with someone i still love, listening to someone vomit, and walking home down the same terrifying span of mercer where i was mugged 2 years prior. i'm not going to dwell on any of that, because my subconscious will be very adroit at reminding me regardless. before all this, when the day was fresh and filled with optimism, i looked through photographs and found these.



i cannot help but wonder when i fucked up so badly. everything i've ever done has led up to this moment. apparently there was a misstep. perhaps tomorrow will be fucking awesome. hnh. but right now i feel like a collossally incompetent twat who cannot maturely manage my life or properly spell "collossally."
and in the present, there is entropy's ass. such is my world. it's been a crappy day. bless her heart. the xmas lights are a-blazin'. fire ant cars on i-5. i oughtn't think too much. life goes on regardless.

all i want right now is to be naked in his bed, watching a stupid movie, feeling his skin. and i can't; it's over. i didn't realize how much i would miss him until i had no other options. the reality is a severed nerve to a limb i really fucking need. i've been through this before- the breaking-up thing- and i'll be fine; this moment was a long time coming, and we both knew it. but right now, shit. so it's hard for me to look back on photos of myself with innocent eyes and earnest smiles and not think "how the FUCK did i fuck everything up so badly?"
i feel like a fucking teenager and i'm 32 years old. and a fucking drama queen.
*
reading "henry and june" doesn't help. those folks are fucking insufferable.