eleven years ago I fell very hard and very quickly for a guy. we slept together the night we met but didn't have sex until the second. I remember telling him after a week, "I'm going to know you for a long time." and we did, but we didn't. I moved to Washington and got married and divorced to someone else and went back to school and lived my silly life. and things went horribly awry with him. I will never know what the reasons are. I will never again be able to know the person who bought me bags of grapes and kept me company in the grim sober hours before my graveyard shift and with whom I ate fucking onion petals from the arby's drive-in and sang along with me to "starless" and bemusedly watched me butcher "fever" at karaoke and turned me on to some of the best music I know and with whom I linked jewelry and who loved my cats almost as much as I did and I can go on for an obnoxiously long time, because there were a fucking hell of a lot of things to love about him. but that person is gone now. and it fucking destroys me like a death. and he is too caught up in his own self-destruction to realize his impact on other people who care about him, and it's the saddest, most infuriating thing. there is nothing I can do but close my eyes and hope to fuck I don't get a call from someone telling me he's dead. I miss what was.
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sometimes things just fucking suck. I just can't deal with it anymore. I feel like a weak asshole piece of shit to eviscerate him from my life, but I don't want to know what he's become. i don't want that shit in my life.
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I have (tried to, finally) let go of a lot of "past" lately, things and people that I clung to for way too long- things and people that I used to validate and define me, like a photograph I take to prove I've been somewhere.
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last night, different unrelated topic entirely: I was asked what i was looking for. my skin was still warm from dancing. the candlelight was supremely flattering. and I thought: I want to always have the freedom to think about possibilities. I want to a live a life of adolescent intrigue, where every situation is potentially loaded and dramatic. I want to appreciate the way the air feels on bare skin, how people's eyes are sometimes golden, how we're all just trying to be fucking understood.
I didn't articulate that properly, I'm afraid.
it was nice to be asked. "passion" and "giving a shit" is what I think I said. those virtues can and should be applied to everything. right? right.
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I have no idea how incoherent this is. I'm writing on my phone whilst sitting in front of an open window, heat on and cold air blowing in, Xmas lights and AC Newman "submarines of Stockholm", 115 pst, no edit. this is my current slice of the world.
2 comments:
Love you Brynn, glad that moments with you are still full of laughter and when they aren't we both understand enough to acknowledge the need for silence! You're my girl! For reals!
You are not being fair. I didn't lie or intend to mislead you, and you turned your back on me. Considering the request you made last year for my help, your reason for doing so is hypocritical. My life has not gone horribly awry, and I am not dead - perhaps dead to you, but that is your choice. You claim that I'm not interested in what is going on in your life, when I read this blog on a regular basis. And I am not unaware of the effect my actions have on other people - the guilt and bad vibes eat away at me like a cancer. The truth is that I've made some very bad choices, and am in the process of getting back on my feet - in spite of my actions, that process is actually going very, very well. I love you and value your presence in my life - the above mentioned things brought tears to my eyes. If you truly want to end this friendship, it will break my heart.
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