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i made enough in tips today to pay for my monthly car insurance. just sayin'. every client was fucking delightful. it almost assuages my paranoia about my review tomorrow.
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i have been thinking lately about effusiveness... how i've been criticized for having too much, and how i'm wary of people who have too little. it is not natural for me to not express every fucking thing that crosses my mind, to fucking tone it down. playing it blase just leads to resentment and boredom... with my relationships, with my job... obviously the 'passionate' route of "i LOVE you no i HATE you no i LOVE you!" doesn't work... with numerous examples... but not having that level of absurd, horrific drama is still disorienting to me. it makes me reluctant to take anything seriously. that's fucking warped.
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i keep having to remind myself of what i used to do before this era of my life. the same 'standbys' don't satisfy me any more. being alone makes me feel jangly and unsettled. i am too impatient to read the paper, too fidgety to sleep alone, too distracted to concentrate on my own thoughts. i occlude every spare moment with headphones or a pen. perhaps i will never be truly sedated and satisfied by any one thing. i am an addict without a concise addiction.
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nick cave plays.
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i fucking hope the review goes well. worst case scenario, i may have more free time... that which i desire so badly. it's a win-win regardless, right?
the truly-don't-give-a-shit wore off about an hour ago, i'm afraid...
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RIP leslie nielsen. thank you for providing childhood memories of my dad laughing until he cried at "naked gun."
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at the dinner the other night, the one in which i lost my brand-new, just-bought, still-in-the-bag bra (and which i was given a BraCard from the gap for- buy 5 and your 6th is free! didn't i feel like a fucking twat-haver!), my mother was trying in vain to operate my camera. she came upon this picture and began to uproariously cackle. "is that YOU?" she shrieked in the middle of the restaurant. "what are you DOING? what is that THING?" so i have to publish it now, as proof of my fucking dorkiness, in case you were thinking i was the shit and shit.
"i'm posing with my bamboo" i said matter-of-factly, which made her laugh harder. i hadn't meant it to be funny. but i'm smiling now as i type this, and this is yet another memory that makes me really love my mother.
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