dungen on sunday. they were great. this picture is horribly framed.
the bathroom at neumo's.
i got the call while i was at work monday: my grandmother was found on the floor of her room at the assisted-living facility, possibly having had a stroke and unable to swallow. she was at tacoma general all week, failing multiple swallow tests, on IV fluids and nasal oxygen. there was confusion with her resuscitative orders- two said "no life-prolonging measures", but the one signed in february 2010 indicated otherwise. she's 94 and senile, so her kids- my mother and her three asshole siblings- had to conference with the hospital to determine if she was to receive a feeding tube or not. thankfully the concensus was no. today she was transferred from the hospital to the same seedy hospice facility where my grandfather, her husband, died three years ago. she will be receiving no food and no fluids- but morphine as indicated.
i saw her on tuesday. she recognized me and gripped my hand. she looked fucking awful. her mouth was gaping open and her eyes kept rolling back in her head. her tongue was turning grey and her lips were cracking. i applied lip balm on her. what do you do when you know this is your last time seeing someone? someone you remember so much more vibrantly? i told her i loved her. i said "i've known you my entire life, and i can't say that about many people. that's pretty special." she smiled at that. i think she's more aware of the situation than she lets on. she's ready to go. she's been ready to go for years. what does she have to live for? her body has failed her. she is physically and mentally unable to glean pleasure from the world.
that's the part that fucking breaks my heart. i am relieved for her death, for her peace. but the fucking anguish, or the icky circling-the-drain shit that she's going to be enduring until she dies- that's not fucking fair, or humane, or anything she deserves. that makes me feel fucking sick when i think about it.
and seeing my mom have to ask her mother the question of "do you want us to do a feeding tube, or...?" and watching her cry- i've seen my mother cry maybe 10 times in my entire life. i inherited my snively nature from my father, not her. it makes when she does emote much more poignant.
i looked up how long it takes someone to die after food and fluids are discontinued. my grandmother has not eaten since sunday and she's now been off IV fluids for about 16 hours. i hope she's oblivious. s said that she could very well be having revelations and totally blissful, or something- perhaps enjoying the zenlike calm that comes with knowing you're dying. thinking of it that way makes me feel better. my grandmother is the sort of personality that would find the cerebral, detached beauty of death. that's one of the coolest things about her.
but, you know, fuck. mortality sucks. i wish her last few days didn't have to be spent the way they will be.
this is my grandmother when she's about my age. i love this photograph. i obviously didn't know her then- i don't think my mother was even alive yet, for that matter- but it's the way i want to remember her.
anyway.
when i found out i already had plans to see a show with k. i felt slightly guilty for going but my car was still in the shop, it was late at night, and life goes on. i'm glad i went. the sword is metal from austin. they fucking rocked.
the crowd was fantastic- not your typical sullen immobile shit that seattle has a deservedly bad reputation for.
a nifty faucet:
a nifty web:
yesterday was gorgeous. s and i went to alki. i always forget that i live in such proximity to several very awesome beaches. i was rather inebriated and trying to capture the light as it hits underwater. most photos bounce off the surface. i like the seaweed in this.
more kelp!
i love the word "kelp."
things are poignant. everything seems especially outlined. sunlight through skylights. shrimp. watching someone prepare a fontina-arugula crepe. cold wind and a weirdly orange overcast sky. cats frantic to see me. filing charts. having to focus on the moment. tots that contain a week's worth of sodium. i am finally reading 'a confederacy of dunces.' bamboo standing 20' tall against a weathered brick wall. skin. sleeping better when i'm not alone.
*
yesterday i saw one bright yellow tree against a street's worth of still-green. the sky was luridly blue behind it. midday on a wednesday, nowhere immediate to be, calm and appreciative. everyone deserves to have moments like that.
tangles are good too.
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