time will tell. but i'm the most impatient person i know.

my car is currently 10' off the ground, having a new muffler installed. the (free, siphoned) internet connection at my lair is defunct. it has been pouring rain and windy as hell. and... him. i am in a state of perpetual nervousness- giddiness manically augmented with trepidation, sensibility, worry about what the rest of the world will think. i trust too easily- and yet i don't trust at all. i was rereading some old journals last night (notebooks are still where i write the truly abasing twaddle), trying to retain some perspective. i don't want to lose myself again. i just want to be happy and love and be loved and savor my fucking life. the crushing doubt only surfaces when i'm left alone with my own logic and some really awful memories.
this has happened so many times. i cannot rely on anyone else to listen to me, to feign sympathy, to be supportive. welcoming him back into my life in any form means that i automatically isolate myself from the rest of my world- and that's incredibly fucked up. what would i do if it was someone i cared about, telling me a similar scenario? i would wince. i would be supportive but voice my concerns. and i wouldn't be able to fully stifle my misgivings, no matter how carefully i concealed them. watching people make the same fucking stupid mistakes is one of the most frustrating things i can imagine- waiting for the inevitable wreckage, their squeals of bewilderment, their "how could i have let this happen again?"s. knowing that, how can i not be utterly annoyed with myself?
because it still feels right. it feels natural as hell. because we both needed that time to figure out who and what the fuck we are. because we have seen each other at our absolute hateful worst. because i can finally appreciate him as him, not as an extension of me. because love in any form is a fucking rare thing, and to turn away from it in any form is the most lifeless action anyone can possibly do.
we both have to prove ourselves. my standards are much higher now. and i can honestly say that we'll both be fine regardless of what happens. the last two years have definitely taught us that.
i have to go rescue my car from its lofty perch.