the yuck feeling continues. work was horrible. people were being bitchy and i felt stupid and unappreciated, burned out and indifferent. another day of not getting a chance to pee until 7.5 hrs into my shift, of frustration making my eyes burn and my nose run, of feeling immature and guilty and fucking incompetent. i cannot keep doing this line of work. i love less about it than i despise it. there were enough surreally vile moments today that i consciously thought: "why the fuck am i here, in this windowless hell?" like: stuffing dead animals into garbage bags, animals that had lives and names and were still warm. like: having to lean into the corpse-freezer to read a body tag and the ice-crusted lid hitting my back, trapping me with the smells of death. like: condescending coworkers. and grown men bawling hysterically in the parking lot. and diarrhea all over the lobby. and animals frantically clawing at their cages because they don't understand why they're there.
i want to do something pleasant-smelling, mindless, and nurturing with my life- like knead dough in a sun-filled bakery while good music plays.
i am still in a wretched mood, though singing along very loudly and ascerbically to "horse with no name" as i drove too fast through the bowels of, inexplicably, west seattle, helped a bit. blaring "easy money" (king crimson, not billy joel) several times in a row helped also.
i am very grateful to be employed and able to sustain my inane lifestyle- lest i sound like a complete fuck. and i would BREAK OUT THE BOOZE and HAVE A BALL, as it were, if i, you know, didn't have to be up at the ass-crack of dawn to do today all over again.
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