what matters?

more MS.
just in time for alaska.
i have an IV catheter taped in place, hidden under my sweater on my right forearm. my elbow veins are shot from the multiple prods i recieved yesterday. "don't go shootin' up!" the male nurse said jovially as he, against hospital orders, sent me home with the IV in. "i'll do my best" i replied drily.
yesterday: i called my neurologist to describe the paralysis besetting the right side of my face. it is funny now, but it most fucking certainly wasn't when i first noticed it friday night. i had actually noticed something weird as far back as wednesday, i realize now: i was putting on chapstick and found it very difficult to rub my lips together. the cool (and i mean this unironically) thing about MS: i sm hyper-aware of every tiny vacillation in my body, anything that is at all unusual. scary thing is, i'm always fucking right.
he recommended i go to the ER. mentioned stroke, bell's palsy. shit, thought i, i have something ELSE? something NEW? i wasn't concerned about stroke, but the bell's palsy thing was new... i remembered reading about it in a fully illustrated medical book years ago- along with grave;s disease, and all those other unnattractive neuro syndromes that make for unsightly photographs.
took the bus to the ER. got a private room with a television. watched the last half of 'psycho' on the in-room television. ("i helped pick out the dress she was buried in. periwinkle blue.") had ~20mls (i asked; "you'll remake it by dinnertime") of blood drawn. went up to the MRI. they gave me headphones, set too blaringly to, per my request, the classic rock station, which was playing 3-song sets for the weekend, so i was immobile and helpless in the MRI for about 50 minutes, stuck with fucking ZZ top and van halen and several of my other least fucking favorite bands, in triplicate, thinking halfway through "what if i have a fucking brain tumor?" feeling tears go down my cheeks, itching, unable to wipe them away.
back to the room with the telly, now turned to fucking entertainment tonight, the doctor confirming MS resurgence, tethering me to the bed with an IV pump for an elephant-felling infusion of solu-medrol, stuck with the terrible television because the hospital had its remotes habitually stolen.
('such great heights' is playing at the cafe right now. this is a fucking great song. i wonder how many dewy-eyed couples lost their virginity to this.)
after i left the ER, six hours later, i burst into near-hysterical tears, yelled "FUCK" into the darkness, and kicked the shit out of the side of some building. i felt better after that.
met with s. i need more that what he can give, at least this week. but he was good for a few hours, anyway. he listened to me rand and didn't flee in revulsion while i repeatedly cried and blew my nose in public. we had tea and coffee. i am glad i did not have any alcohol last night. it would not have been wise.
today: calmer. know your enemy, then get on with it. the terror and helplessness that plagued me for the last few (incredibly draining) days has given way to... mellow. i can even find humor in it. how is it possible, for example, that i can flare my fucking nostrils but not raise my right eyebrow? i know. i've practiced. went back to the ER for a second hour-long steroid bolus. the room today was far crappier, seperated by a curtain from a 52-year-old man with rectal bleeding. i heard it all: his boyfriend bringing him food, the heart monitor beeping nonstop for about 5 minutes due to his tachycardia, the doctor giving him a rectal exam and vocalizing what he found. i stayed on my side, reading a book about how fat was always considered the aesthetic ideal until recently, and how the pendulum should swing back soon, and at one point i fell asleep, in the fetal position, knee-length hospital gown over my jeans and t-shirt.
they're playing fucking billy bragg! "a new england" is one of the best songs ever! fuck. life is sometimes poignant enough to make me cry. i think i cried everything i could yesterday. now i am left quietly, wholeheartedly appreciating.
no edit.