i have just worked 45 hours within the last 92. tonight was particularly insane. there is still dried dog blood on my arm and under my nails. nearly everything that required the most care died. 'lay lady lay' played on the way home. i am hyperactive and exhausted simultaneously. i will eventually stumble home, take a blazing hot shower, sprawl naked on clean sheets and read a trashy magazine. the prospect of this is practically orgasmic right now.
i am now left alone with my thoughts for 4 days. and i am beginning to stress about having t in my life at all. it feels as if no time has passed, no ugliness, but this is a rhythm i recognize. the past has repeatedly proved that everything with us in any capacity eventually curdles. why: there is a husband-wife familiarity and expectation no matter what. and i still feel that icky pang of defensiveness regarding pretty much everything. i have other friends now. i smoke pot from time to time. i don't want him or anyone around all the time. i want to keep my options open. i don't want to ever feel like i have to fucking explain my benign silly little life to anyone EVER AGAIN. how much of this neurotic claptrap is entirely of my own doing? that is the question that continually leads me back to him- the part of me that goes 'it must just be me, and i should do better.'...except that the last year + immediately counters that notion with 'fuck it. you are who you are and needn't justify a fucking goddamn thing.'
i am free now. i must not forget that.
there has been an eerie lightness over the last few days, both pleasantly surreal and guilt-inducing. i miss helix like mad but am now aware of how sick he really was, and for how long. the other cats meet me at the door clamoring for food, which they then eat with gnashing fervor; afterwards they don't puke or piss on the carpet, and in the morning they are hyperactive and playing. when helix was alive i forgot what normal was supposed to be. i am ashamed to admit this, but i am relieved that he is no longer suffering. i am relieved that he is gone.
and the divorce thing: i think about it and feel so fucking happy. i have no fucking ties to anyone. should i feel badly about this? will i?
driving home tonight i felt pretty fucking competent. i have mushed together a rather okay life for myself.
and that saturday nights song is absolutely brilliant.
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