sweetness & light

it is always difficult to locate the ampersand on the keyboard when i need it.
"needing" an ampersand is pretty ridiculous in itself.
*
life is going well. i just returned from a visit to the tacoma er, where i picked up my stethascope and a few other things that had been lingering in my locker- the locker that is still there, as they promised, still covered with my trinkets and shite. everyone said "brynn!" in happy voices. "when are you coming back?" they asked. it was so fucking nice to see everyone again. i miss that place- i miss the people, anyhow. people make the place. and in the same vein, i fucking love my new job too. "you're a catheter maestro" a told me today. "it was really fun to work with you." "you too" i replied, trying to remain professional and not picture him naked.
hyper. the pendulum is swinging manically upward. i feel egotistical and competent and oh so fucking hilarious. the drop will come soon. right now i feel like a silly puppy, smiling at everyone, earning their smiles in return. that's what it's all about, right? ...right?
after i broke up with t for the first time, only two months into our relationship, i walked down seneca towards downtown- a 30 degree angle towards the water. it was fall, daylight, and i was wearing black converse- i remember this, for some reason. and i was sad but so fucking relieved- it was a sensation of "yay, i have my life back! what do i want to do? i can do anything!" and my first thought was: something too slutty and embarrassing to write down, but i recall it clearly, and it still makes me smirk.
it takes shunning of bullshit to make me go: oh yeah, this is a big fucking world, with opportunities and chance encounters up the wazoo, be they fauna or literary or human, all sorts of new smells and lyrics and tastes and faces, and i have been wasting my time being stifled by this one stupid rut.
silly wench.
of course, i did take him back. but that was a long time ago.
the awareness is always there. acting on it is something i'm finally getting better at.