sensibility in aspic

i am sick as fuck and all alone. and feeling sorry for myself. and swiping my snot-laden fingers all over this public keyboard. and not really caring.
i spent thursday and friday with a fucking fever. the last time i had a fever was in may 2002, right after i returned from europe- i remember falling asleep at the bear tooth during 'for a few dollars more', though i probably would have fallen asleep during that anyhow. fever 2008: too sick and batty to do anything coherent or useful, too fucking bored to be at home, i spent a lot of time driving around with the heater cranked up. today: the fever has appeared to break and the mucus has arrived. i am grossing myself out. my eyes are burning, my lips are chapped, my lungs feel like they're being wrung out. and i'm having GI issues. so while i am fucking ill and depressed and pathetic, i am incredibly grateful that there is no one around- because i really am that fucking disgusting.
i left work early. i don't feel guilty. it was there that i caught this fucking thing. someone today was bragging about how they never get sick. "just you wait" i said. "we are all breathing this same delicious air."
in other news: RIP bobby fischer.
in other news: an advertisement played on my favorite radio station today: "this is the sound of a heartbeat from the womb..." it was a horrible anti-choice rant, narrated by a woman without a fucking soul, and it almost made me cry. mainly in fury, but also in guilt, no matter how stupid and irrational and belated, which made me even more pissed off, to where i actually yelled "FUCK YOU!" at the radio (i was in my heat-blasting vehicle, of course) and changed the station. it succeeded in putting me in an even worse mood. apparently, still.
some good things over the last few days (two of which were, albeit febrile, my days off):
-the south park neighborhood in dusk, neon signs lurid against a rainy sky, people calling the radio with stories of their supernatural encounters. one guy grew up in a former mausoleum. "our shower was where they used to wash off the cadavers" he claimed. "there were stacks of baby coffins in the basement."
-the bumper sticker that said "live every day like your ass is on fire!"
-purring kittens keeping me company while i lay in bed sweating
-bringing triple-chocolate hershey's kisses to work and watching people happily eat them
-'i can't tell you why', the only good song the eagles ever did
-my new $5 painting: a puppy with huge pitiful eyes, sitting beside a garbage can
-hibiscus-C tea, 'the mcdonaldization of society', and sprawling in an armchair at a coffeehouse like i'm about to have a pelvic exam
-sunshine, snow-covered trees and mountains, and barns with peeling paint along hwy 302
-tamarind with brown sugar, cinnamon, and chilies
-the time-life 'cuisines of the world' series- fucking great, circa 1958. i am currently reading about russia and the glories of the zakuska
-the sign outside the wallingford chevron, where they always post "aw shucks" adages (last week's: don't have a heart attack while playing charades): "smile when you wake up. get it over with."