i am sitting beside someone's empty plate of scraped brownness

...i am still employed.
nothing like a vengeful ass-kicking of reality to put things into perspective: namely, that my snively pity party on posts prior is and was NEVER THAT IMPORTANT. why can't i remember that when i'm in the throes of it?
an 'urgent meeting' was called on tuesday for this morning at 9. revenue is down, costs are up. "we have to let some people go" we were told. everyone, the doctors and owners included, had tears in their eyes. they passed out envelopes with the times we were each to meet with management. mine was at 12:20pm. i drove around aimlessly for two hours, trying not to cry, chain-smoking, listening to otis redding. i also went to the library and scoped out new orleans and portland for possible jobs and hovels. it is a different feeling entirely when looking with a sense of desperation, as if it is something time-sensitive and necessary. there was nothing palatable in either berg. apart from the hawthorne district, which i adore, portland has always seemed too strip-mally and grim for my liking; and the job situation in new orleans sucks. i went back to the clinic early. the parking lot was still full; everyone was lingering around, hugging, crying. some people had gone to the bar down the street after the meeting. a group of people i never knew to be smokers were gathered outside. everyone there is fucking great. genuinely nice. hilarious. i didn't want to leave, and i didn;t want any of them to go either. when i was told that yes, i was still on, that i was a needed LVT on the shifts and that they were very glad to have me, i started crying and groveled "thank you. thank you so much" in the middle of the hallway.
in the end, the four kennel workers, two assistants, and one doctor were laid off. i am fucking sad, and guilty, which mars my crushing relief somewhat. having the rug of your LIFE very nearly pulled out from under you is a shuddering feeling. i have spent the rest of this day rather dazed and jittery. grateful. very fucking appreciative.
one night i was coming back from downtown on the bus and saw two fire trucks and several cop cars speed past, going up the very hill where i live. "what if my fucking building's on fire?" i immediately thought, and then: oh my god, the cats. oh my god, what will i do? my little slice of the world, gone: suddenly i realize what a materialistic fuck i really am. i had a little panic attack right on the bus, getting off several blocks early and running up the hill to... a building a block away with a small fire on their deck from their barbecue. and i went inside my lair, which was quiet and dark and exactly as i remembered, and i laughed that gaspy "oh thank FUCK" laugh like a fucking idiot.
perspective.
i try not to take too much for granted- or rather, i try to acknowledge when things are going well AT THE TIME that they are going well- but it is impossible to not be lulled into at least some sense of expectation. i daresay it is a survival mechanism. otherwise we would all still be jumpy prey.