happy because

actually, this constituted last night's tail-feather-shakery: a big-ass cup of "cinnamon sunset" tea and reading over half a book about the american housing market ("house lust" is the title) in one sitting at the fucking odious chain bookstore, accidentally dribbling tea on the pristine pages, carefully filing it back on the shelf when i was sated. it made me happy as shit, so much so that i went back tonight (ignoring that brief "fuck, i must seem like the biggest nerd" sensation when i realized the same three people were working) and read another hundred pages.
my fantasies of being a ribald wacky chick are... fantasies. but i am coming to terms with that. i amuse the bejesus out of myself, at least.
aside: if i saw a (tall, un-goateed, loner, of similar age and demeanor) gent engaging in a similar activity on sequential evenings, i would have a rabid infatuation with him. but that person, whoever it may be, is probably not reading about greedy americans on a weeknight in the basement of a goddamn bookstore.
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tis a pity i believe in no entities. i would be a fucking awesome nun.
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i drove to olympia today. the sun was in my eyes as i went over the nisqually river. it was the first time since i moved away that i didn't feel that sick nervousness- with distance comes peace. today i actually felt like i was over it. perhaps i was just caffeinated. i stopped at a gas station and used the loo. i had the idea of visiting my parents, surprise!, and of stopping by some of the places i used to go... but i didn't. i turned right the fuck around and drove back to seattle, taking pictures of the sun and my dusty dashboard whilst doing 70 on the interstate. again: for a brief spell i felt like a fucking idiot: why drive 60+ miles, turn around, and drive back, especially when there are things to do and people -family- to see? what the fuck is wrong with me? but at that decision-making instant, my justification was: i like driving away from the sunset, admiring the orange glow of bare branches against a slate-grey sky, singing along, able to come and go on whatever mecurial whim i fucking please.
thankfully the car gets excellent mileage.
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one of the commandments of a 'feng shui life', as just forwarded to me in an annoying chain email that i, as with all chain emails, refuse to send on, is: believe in love at first sight. there is only person whom i have experienced this with. everyone else: if i have to wait for someone to 'grow on me', it is fucking WRONG. had i not been in prior denial about this handy factlet i wouldn't be twice-divorced... it's an interesting concept, though, when i realize that he is one person who i will always forgive and always care about, even though he doesn't deserve it. and perhaps that, rather than my former adage of "it's when you'll hold their hair back while they vomit", is really what love is about.