the sixth and final term of school started today. it was a random, haphazard class... to be composed into nine weeks of seminars focusing on our various interests. this could be amazing, it could be a flaky fuck-all. next week we revisit body mechanics, something i definitely need more help in. i was supposed to start my first evening at the bailey-boushay house tonight, working with people with AIDS, dementia, and other hospice-warranting ailments, but there was a scheduling conflict between them and the school. i don't start there, then, until the asscrack of dawn (well, 9am) on wednesday the 14th. i was really looking forward to this, but due to my mood, this delay is probably not a bad thing.
i briefly saw d after school. i felt disgust. perhaps my standards are too high for friends, and that is why i have very few. but really: be nice. acknowledge me to your friends. communicate. don't be fucking passive-aggressive and make me feel like everything is my fucking fault. last week really disturbed me- not only how he treated me, but seeing the sources of his behavior (his parents) and feeling almost crawly about their dysfunction. d is the sort of person who, if he doesn;t like the way a conversation is going, pretends he doesn't hear it. and i'm fucking tired of the mindfuck 'multiple personality' bullshit. i have neglected to get into this on this forum thus far, out of 'respect' for him and out of mortification for myself, but: FUCK THAT. fuck his namby-pamby inability to deal with reality, fuck his dragging other people (like gullible, or at least benefit-of-the-doubt-giving ME) into his fucked up vortex, fuck his manipulation, fuck his taking advantage of people's kindness, fuck his FUCKING BULLSHIT.
i feel like a fucking idiot to even type that, to publicly acknowledge how fucking pathetic i am to allow such bullshit into my life at all.
*
seattle: lots of winners here.
*
"we need to talk about hawaii" i said tonight, and then i left. my chronic peurility makes any gripe i have towards the other person fade in the glow of my own assholery. he had asked if i'd wanted to help him move boxes- like, right then. "no" i had said. "i have to go." i was still feeling cruddy, and pissed off, and- no.
*
today, my class... proof i'm not completely dysfunctional.
with pangs of sadness and "what a fucking loser i am", i put sweet green on craigslist today. i haven't gotten a single response yet. i must admit, i am pleased by this.
i will continue this later, perhaps.
No comments:
Post a Comment