what the fuck?

i'm losing my fucking mind.
*
after i got off the phone the other night i wrote this down, realizing after that it's an inadvertant haiku:
etched on my tombstone:
for undeserving people,
i do insane things.
*

firstly: i obviously haven't written much lately. this is the first time in a long while that i've let an entire month slide by- granted, it's a short month. i've been busy, i've been distracted, i've been discombobulated, the thoughts i have are too tedious/nefarious to publicize... i've been writing a lot of it in a notebook, i'll put it that way.
i went to vegas for the veterinary conference. after my first 24 hrs of scurrility and abhorrence of my species, i yanked the burr from my ass and had a fucking great time. vegas is a blast if you don't take it seriously. if you resign yourself to hedonism and smelling like other people's cigarettes and seeing underpaid wenches gyrating and adults in sweatpants in public (hereafter known as AISIP) and paying $10 for a crappy gin and tonic... it's fun. i stayed just long enough. 72hrs in vegas is my limit before i start to markedly devolve.
among (many) other things, we went to a drag show. we sweet-talked the usher and got a table right next to the stage.
it's cher! really!

at the end one of the performers came out in full regalia:

and proceeded to sit down at a vanity and remove all her makeup while singing a very somber rendition of "what makes a man." it was AWESOME.

*
being back in seattle has been a blur. clarity is a bitch. some things are so lucid- i've been dealing with the "what the FUCK? what was i thinking?" mindset about a lot of things lately... and i'm doing a lot of things that i consider, were i to be regarding myself detachedly, a bit deranged. i know why i'm doing them, but i cannot help but feel personally critical. as k said today: "i know you are, but please be careful."

the sky was lurid today- windy, then sideways rain, then bright sunshine, then hail.

when it hailed, everyone in the ballard smoke shop and cafe paused their midday drinking to comment and stare out the window. it was comforting to witness.

i took this today whilst unwittingly blocking the sidewalk for the guy behind me. i smiled and apologized. he smiled in a way that made me know i was forgiven. i love seattle.

entropy loving the audio link of allogach.

that story is for later, when i possibly switch from tea to something harsher.
*
from my journal, 2/28/11: "love makes me fearless and invincible and safe. those are lofty attributes to attach to something that i have absolutely no say of or control over."