insufferability

i've been a fucking basket case lately. i've been waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks. there is nothing so massively wrong or unusually altered in my life that truly justifies this... i've thought of writing a list of everything i've been worried about, to have tangible proof of my laughable neuroses, but that seems a rather daunting, nauseating task. waking up unable to breathe, mind racing, thinking of every awful thing that has or could happen, is gruesome enough. i hate feeling trapped in my own brain. i haven't felt this way in a while... this undercurrent of dread... not for years. it is a sensation i figured i'd grown out of, matured from, stopped being in such instigating situations with.
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i do much better with concrete problems. concrete problems are understandable and thereby manageable.

i got a copy of my medical records today. i will be taking them to my appointment next week to obtain a medical marijuana card. i am "lucky" enough to have one of the few specific conditions approved by the state of washington. i feel alternately smug and damaged. i'm not, and have never been, a big pothead... but fuck it, why not? if i can get the good stuff, if it will possibly mellow me the fuck out, if i can share it socially, why the fuck not? i'm rather excited about it- like being a gay man for a day and being able to finally see the inside of a bathhouse.
i've never been functional when stoned. my life requires clarity. i tend to get paranoid and weird if i smoke it alone. but it's fun with people. it makes boring things more interesting. my problem with pot: there really are no "boring" things, and if you're bored, shouldn't you just find something else to do? i say i don't believe in 'needing' enhancement, but i'm drinking a daytime g & t as i write this, so whatever.
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because i can.
see above paragraph.
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but yeah... i feel weird lately. jangly. clausterphobic. i took the legs off the trampoline and leaned it against the wall. i needed the space. took my bed apart. i've been sleeping on my couch. there's a pot of soup in my fridge that's nearly 2 weeks old- i forgot about it. i was startled to realize how fucking dead most of my plants are. at least the floor's vacuumed. yesterday i cleaned my bathroom. and i have clean underwear... the animals are taken care of...
and i got a new car.
sweet green's clutch, i guess, went out. she was towed off yesterday, donated to "make a wish." i came home and she was already gone. end of an era. more proof that i kind of suck sometimes. the industrious bug owner: another persona i was never willing or able to take on.
the new car is a 98 jetta. she is responsible and functional and much, much more fun to drive. she hauls ass. and the heater works. among other things.
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the bug was towed off containing an unopened parking ticket, moldy sandals, about 5 1L fluid bags i'd used as hot water bottles for the drive home from work, the garish xmas decoration a massage client gave me, about 3 empty bottles of rain-x, and a fucking "pushin' the good vibe" bumper sticker...
i'm sure "make a wish" will be thrilled.
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i can see the building i used to live in from here. my windows were on the opposite side. wood floors, silverfish, no heat, ants, someone else's dried condom in the defunct radiator. it had built-ins and a crumb-catching tile kitchen counter and i could see the fremont rocket from my bed. cork walls. my shower curtain was a map of the world. i remember doing a jigsaw puzzle of the album cover of "some girls", listening to cat stevens obsessively, right around new years 2003. i had just broken up (for the first time, pre-engagement) with t. i vowed i would LIVE MY LIFE EVEN BETTER. i would be THAT GIRL. i would somehow transcend the fucking nerdy persona that does shit like jigsaws whilst listening to (quality) shlock. and i would find a way to fuck everyone in seattle.
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as it turns out, i didn't.
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my standards evolved, i guess.
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i still feel fucking vulnerable and childish and STUPID, though. i still inadvertantly rely on outside forces to make or maintain or enhance my happiness. that's certainly why i feel like shit right now.
it hasn't all been bullshit. there was a cool starfish on the beach yesterday.

and it's finally fucking spring. well, yesterday was. i'm out without a coat today and i feel rather dumb. and cold.

but whenever i feel sulky and annoying, something like this magically comes along to make me laugh aloud. always.

even in retrospect.