amid the blur

how can my life involve this one moment

and this mere hours later?

i suppose every moment cannot reek of bombast and whimsy, but seriously.
*
d is being inscrutable. why is it so difficult for (occasionally) heterosexual men to merely be friends? the best male friends in my life are gay. every other man i know shifts manically between swarthy and aloof. perhaps they just don't like me as a person and sexuality has nothing to do with it. that, however, is a particularly depressing theory.
we finished our 3-week stint of lomi lomi today. the class ended with a 20-minute massage trade, full-body, set to "native rhythms." i was face-down with nothing on but a sheet covering the crack of my ass. my skin is still viscuous with oil residue. we were told that lomi lomi will 'change your views of massage', and it is true. the all-encompassing, whole-body experience was awesome- both to give and to receive.
after class i mailed my application to take the boards. it's $195 to apply to take the exam; eventually they contact you with a test time, and then the state of washington has to dink around until they process the license. sending it off was rather thrilling. bittersweet. i walked out of the downtown post office into the muggy glare of 3rd ave and thought "what the fuck happens next?"
i have talked with people about pitching in on a 'co-op' environment- splitting the rent and creating a space. i don't want to do massage full-time, at least to start, and i don't want to feel isolated, and i don't want to work for anyone else. i still have the fantasies of a communal environment with doors that can be closed if need be. i am even toying with the possibility of finding a roommate, but that would involve leaving my fabulous (though rarely inhabited) lair.
chicago, et al, is temporarily sidelined. i guess.
the table next to me is enjoying a platter of mussels. i love presse. i love that i can sit here in my 'well that just sucks' scrabble t-shirt and lomi-oily hair and drink portuguese wine by candlelight, next to groups of well-heeled couples and girl nights and earnest men with newspapers. these are the moments when i remember how fucking glad i am to live the life i do.
the sky outside is that vibrant cobalt that occurs just after the sun sets. everything is especially outlined.
i just set up a meeting to procure something from a classmate. it's been decades, seriously, since i've done this- not waited politely for someone to offer it. but i've been stressed, and my face feels weird, and i have a neuro appointment on the 8th that may or may not include another mri, and my condition, as it is, is covered (however feebly) by state law. and i love making my world a wee bit more unusual. i think about moments like new years '08, when i was too stoned to go onto the roof and watch the fireworks- his skin was so much more compelling. the next day, feeling cottony and dull at work, i berated myself for not watching them. that is the problem i have with pot- the mundane* becomes fascinating, but possibly at the expense of the fantastic. then again, i passively wait for all things amazing to fall into my lap and rarely reach out to grab. this is a horrible tendency that exists whether i am sober or not.
*not that there was anything mundane about that specific situation
last night i went to a friend's going-away party. we ended up at someone's house. opening the front door was like walking into an animal's axilla: four dogs, three cats, an iguana, a bearded dragon, a cockatiel, a sun conure (that charged the cage, fluffed out and hateful, every time anyone walked past), a hermit crab (that i dropped on the wood floor). i left while everyone else was getting drunk on coors light. "i have a massage in the morning" i said, feeling responsible. today i did craniosacral and reflexology on k before class started. it's getting easier to feel grounded... but being grounded is also intimidating as hell.
there's so much i purposely don't let myself notice. walking around today, i made a point to make eye contact with everyone i passed. bless their hearts, they all looked back, and most of them smiled.