seattle-bainbridge ferry, ~82 degrees F. a swarthy man with beaded sweat was trying to, i guess, hit on me. he was a smarmy 'lawyer from michigan' 'in town for the ring opera.' the first question out of his mouth was 'so what do you do?' god, i hate americans.
i am skipping class -lomi lomi, no less- to be in the open air. i feel guilty about this. my motivation is faltering badly, as it always does around the 5-week mark of the term. i just want to fall in love and enjoy the summer and have adventures... so i am looking at a keyboard instead of at the scenery, listening to children scream and chase one another across the deck. i woke at 545am after sleeping for three hours. i must have been dreaming; the first thing i remembered was smacking the headboard rather violently with the back of my hand. the sun peeked over the mountains at 613am. i made a caprese salad with tofu*, balsamic, and beth's garden-fresh basil. the 9am staff meeting lasted all of 45 minutes; i took a large bowl of fruit salad home. reread 'a paper life' and 'the devil's dictionary' whilst laying on the deck. blared 'change' whilst hating my wardrobe. it was sometime midmorning that the idea of massage seemed rather unpalatable; i don't want to fuck with the bag, with sheets, with being present. i shamefully realize that i can truly be adept at only one or two facets of my life at any given time... if that.
now, 930pm. i spent the afternoon wandering around winslow, remembering how tedious and twee that town is. surely a small community doesn't need a yoga studio and an ayurvedic chalet on every fucking corner. i was mildly heartened to see an honest-to-god trailer park, albeit across the street from some tastefully "homey" spankin'-new condos.
i acquired a sunburn. there were no visible jellyfish in the bay. it was pretty... i just felt ephemeral, a disinterested witness to other people's lives. couples were posing with the seattle skyline in the background. sunlight shimmered through hair. i craved some sort of portable music; it would have been a perfect moment to zone out with a song. i am probably the only person in the fucking first world without so much as a goddamn walkman.
i always feel a surge of adoration when i disembark in seattle. it's a nice place to call home.
*
last night a man, possibly transient, definitely inebriated, stumbled up to me at the bus stop and simulated masturbation. "are you fucking kidding me?" i shouted at him. i cocked my pepper spray, finger on the trigger. "i will fucking mace you if you do not back the fuck away." i charged at him. i wasn't really thinking logically, other than the fact that he did not provoke any intimidation in me whatsoever. he staggered into the street and a car slowed down to avoid hitting him. i lost sight of him after that. it was one in the morning at the socially-diverse corner of 3rd and pike and i spent the next ten minutes waiting for my bus whilst glaring into space and being quite aware that no one else waiting offered anything more during our 'altercation' than a furtive glance.
that really pissed me off, actually. perhaps they suspected that i had the situation under control, but i am more inclined to believe that people don't want to get involved in other people's shit, no matter how welcome their involvement might be.
if there's one thing the last month has taught me (though obviously, there are many, many things), it's that i'm not half as boo!-scary as i fancied i was. feigned poise and a sense of purpose means fucking nothing when they can simply tap you and knock you down.
that, i'm sure, helped contribute to my mood today. i'm just done. it'll pass. i want to be not fucked with. in every respect. surely it is not that lofty an ambition, except that it is.
i meet d in about an hour. we have plans to go swing dancing. we've already gone once and it was fucking marvelous. he first taught me the charleston on the sidewalk of 19th. passers-by politely dodged us; more than a few smiled.
today is the first day in about 3 weeks that my face hasn't felt funky. i blame the lack of sleep, copious caffeine, and abundant vitamin d.
*tofu is a horrible farce of a substitute for fresh mozzarella. vegan caprese salad is a sad thing indeed.
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