red at night, sailor's delight

"a little bit of loving makes it all go right." -buddy holly
this quote, humorously enough, accompanied an article about male impotence in today's paper.
my work-angst was assuaged somewhat by a late-night chat with the boss. after, as is my nature, i sprawled in bed and panicked about the repurcussions of my confessional. i fucking cried at work and everything... i never have been able to control that, one of my most hated qualities. i am a fucking adult and still snivel when my ego gets bruised. the only time i don't cry is when i'm on antidepressants and ALL of my bodily fluids dry up. that should be an advertising slogan: i hereby trademark it, now.
so i was laying in bed, hecatomb kneading whorishly into my left axilla, wondering why i've been especially high-strung of late. it then occured to me that tomorrow would have been my three-year anniversary. since we are still technically married, i suppose it still is. and the thought fills me with complete revulsion. i want to pretend the entire era never happened. i no longer feel guilty about not missing him. i don't miss anything about it. but something about Official Dates are unreasonably daunting... as if tomorrow is a day that, in another world, with another outlook, i would be celebrating lavishly. in another world i would be laughing with my husband, and our child would be almost two years old, and we would actually converse and coexist. having clarity of how fucked everything was and is... that is the horrible part.
i spent much of today in a grim stupor, walking through downtown under maxfield parrish skies, reading at elliott bay, admiring luxe furnishings through store windows... wanting to be fucked in the worst possible way. blared "black dog." drank 'emporer's warrior potion' tea, which i ordered because the name was so wonderful. bought more fucking longan fruit, which i am currently obsessed with (an obsession that should be tempered soon, for they are $4.59 a pound at the import grocer). aside: the original sign for the fruit said "logan nut" (asian signage, grr), so i spent yesterday at work babbling about this glorious new fruit i'd discovered, and no one knew what i was talking about, and now i know why.
currently, i am in a much better mood.
whilst showering i started compiling a list of good words.
solliloquy. luscious. apogee. salubrious. glee. opisthotonous. yes. charlatan. ennui. mydriasis. squishy. xylophone. clostridia.
more to follow.