dammit!

i keep vowing that i will never contact him, numbers deleted from my telephone, knowing that it is all a toxic shitstorm to nowhere... complicated by the annoying knowledge that he's the only one who seemed to properly understand, or at least empathize with (same thing?) the nasty, dark corners of my personality. so i had to go fucking read his fucking blog. articulate asshole. thanks for the posterior shout-out! grr, i say.
anyhow! it is suddenly rather nippy in seattle proper, to my glee. i walked around feeling saucy and sunlit for a good part of the day before realizing that my sweater was buttoned unevenly. i am slowly slogging through 'heat', bill buford (not the drummer), which is deeply entertaining and makes things like uncured lardo sound almost appetizing. his mentor in italy told him to "live like a butcher. butchers do not sleep. they eat nothing but meat, then go home and make love." carne, carnal, flesh, flesh. there is something quite sexy about that. my friend said "it's too bad you're a vegetarian. there are a lot of good restaurants in tacoma", then began describing a hole-in-the-wall mexican joint, grocer in the front, butcher in the middle, a tiny taqueria in the back "with FRESH meat!" i then admitted to him my recent shrimp cravings, unfulfilled... but for how long?
yes, moderation... i am an adult, after all. i should be able to balance my internal and INSANE hedonism with a respectable public veneer. it is becoming unflatteringly apparent in the last few weeks/months how much i smothered a lot of fun, wackadoo, irresponsible spontanaeity whilst wed. i keep reminding myself that i am only 27 years old... old enough to know better, young enough to do it anyway.
i must venture back into the sun now.