lips part, pupils dilate, clock strikes midnight

just finished my 1st arabic class. i have had 3.5hrs of sleep. the tired dilerium led to inappropriate giggling as we attempted to form sounds that western mouths have no business uttering. the teacher is a smiley sort, very likeable. halfway through he excused himself, prayer rug rolled up under his arm. we learned the first 19 letters of the alphabet and 'i am...' the only other female in the class seems like a bit of a know-it-all, cardigan tightly buttoned. the other guys were all as self-consciously laughing as i was. that made me feel a bit less immature.
the weather was sunny, brilliant, warm. the leaves are budding. springtime makes me want to be in love. i was walking through an industrial area today, adjacent to some train tracks; a mallard duck was being casually followed by a female. they looked very out of their element. after the class i waited for the bus in the suddenly cold wind, nighttime sky, schoolbooks resting on my knees, chin in hands, suddenly feeling rather melancholy. i used to live a block from where the bus stop is. i thought about how my life has completely changed but yet hasn't really altered at all... throughout the maelstrom, i still think the same silly thoughts, still walk the same way, still employ the same mannerisms. there is actually great comfort in that. it is fundamental to have some sort of continuity, and if you are your own continuity, so much the better. i got on the bus and noticed someone had stuck a flower in the emergency handle. that was the fucking coolest thing i could have seen at that moment. i took a picture.
on the second bus i was sitting next to a man who noticed my books and started talking to me about the middle east. he had travelled through israel and egypt ~15yrs ago as part of a theater group. when he got off the bus he shook my hand.
the sky is cloudless tonight. the downtown buildings are positively glowing. the entire world seems like a well-crafted set piece right now. i feel liquid. you know that moment of absolute clarity before collapsing in sleep? when all the answers come, when all the plans you've ever fancied are tangible? that flicker of energy, seductiveness, compassion? and how all that enlightenment vanishes the instant you close your eyes? why do i usually feel the most omnipotent and sexual when i am too exhausted to do anything about it?