'the world will spin beside itself and suck you in'

visited my grandmother and cousin today. upon entering the house, they each grabbed a piece of my hair and pulled. "boing!" said my grandmother. i smiled politely. fresh from her catholic school experience with relatives in mexico, my cousin can fluently rattle off the rosary in spanish. i attempted to write everyone's names in arabic. my mother came by and we discussed toilets around the world. i drank too much coffee and got jittery. left the house around 5, feeling better the farther north i drove. ended up watching sparks erupt heavenward from bonfires along the beaches at golden gardens from the windfree enclave of my vehicle, writing scabrous dreck in my journal that is too venomous and insecure to publish here. it always feels so much better afterwards. i'm actually rather zingy now, though the headache has returned.
my grandmother gave me two of her paintings, 30-40 years old, apologizing all the while about how terrible they are. they are of leafless, gnarled trees- haunted-house trees. one is in lavender tones, one is yellow and brown. i love them. this is the stuff that is important. her side of the family is very interesting. my great-great-great-grandfather, james begg, apparently "washed up on the shores of scotland" with amnesia. he was a beggar, eventually ingratiating himself into the business world. he and his wife, anna sidey, immigrated from scotland to canada in 1823. his son, john begg, was born in ontario. he and his wife, margaret marie smyllie, moved to tennessee, where my great-grandmother was born. sarah jane begg married fred littlejohn. apparently someone along the line was a slaveowner.
"i have slaveowners on one side of the family and a nazi on the other?" i said. (my mom's father was a nazi youth in germany.) "and jews too!" my grandmother added cheerily.
i really wish i'd felt better during the visit. i have a pretty cool family. i don't show my appreciation enough.
i have a tendency to hold close that which is destructive and eschew/take for granted that which is ultimately pure and beneficial. this has always been a problem. i am either masochistic or just plain stupid; happily, i am also at the point where i shrug at the ramifications, rather than debase myself for bad choices. prendre est vivre, baby.