RIP george carlin

...i will always remember his hygiene adage from the show i saw in anchorage circa 2000: "armpits assholes crotch and teeth." keep those clean and you won't have any problems. it is sound advice.
*
i am on a crowded bus that is showing movies. i am with someone i know very well. he is sitting in front of me. i am tired and leaning against the window. he turns around and smiles at me- the back of the seat disappears and his arm is around me. i lean my head on his shoulder and hold his hand without thinking about it. he does not pull away. kisses me on the cheek. and then kisses me full-on. and it is good. it is hungry and breathy and bitey and i am straddling him and he is ordering me to "keep moving" and i can feel his erection through our clothing. and i realize that we are blocking the view of everyone behind us. we get off the bus, both smiling too much, that "why the fuck did we wait so long?" elation of a same world made new. we are in a residential neighborhood near madrona and the sun is slanting low. i am walking ahead. i lose my sunglasses in a dumpster. i reach in to grab them and accidentally crush them in my hand, but i do not bleed. a little kid is walking with him. the kid leads us to a park where much merriment and shrieking cuts through the soft air. we go into a house where the kid lives- it is understood that he and this kid are related somehow, and that this is some sort of impromptu family gathering. my mother is there, sitting in a chair in the living room. i introduce him. she gives me a "well done" commisserative smile. his hand is on my back, indicating ownership- an unspeakably pleasant outward gesture of newfound unity. twenty minutes ago we were friends and now we are more. and it feels so goddamn natural, as if when we leave here we'll be going to a home we've shared for years, make love innately, already share the same inside jokes.
my grandmother is there too. she is coherent and cheerful and tells me about her new home in the main building of the senior facility. she is tanned and standing taller than i remember. she is praising me to him. "she's been through such a rough time but she's finally coming back" i hear her say.
it is then that i remember i have to be at work. i have been wearing scrubs this entire time. he says that he has plans to meet some friends that evening. we prepare to leave. i check my reflection in the hall mirror, beam giddily at the glorious turn of events, and notice that half my face is paralyzed again. i cannot smile, i cannot blink. and the fear shuts out all the surrounding noise, turns the sunshine black, reminds me of everything i'd finally been able to forget.
*
and i woke up breathless.
that was about three hours ago.
i went on the deck and had a cigarette. my hands were shaking. the sky was grey. and i was still residually aroused. and my mouth, my face, everything still works perfectly.
but some dreams are a lot more clinging than others. i suspect this one will stay with me for a long while. it tidily touched on everything.
someday when i'm drunk enough i may even tell him about it, and we'll laugh casually, as friends do.