introversion breeds irrationality

i have been in a fucking fog since early saturday morning, when i got off the phone and bawled like a little kid in the soft darkness of my bed. sometimes it is impossible to remember anything but the good times. and it compounded, to a scary fault, how fucking lonely i am.
i keep hoping things will get better, that something magical and fantastic will spontaneously occur, that i will be lifted along on an utterly unforeseen journey. i want to be able to trust someone again.
i have spent the last 48 hrs listening to the soft boys "insanely jealous" over and over. and over. very loudly. whilst sweating in the 90 degree sunshine. it is a very cathartic song. and i have effectively saturated all further listening of it to forever remind me of this weekend.
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unintentionally.
but i suppose it will provide amusement and nostalgia someday.
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i took the full dose for the first time today. it is all easier from here, i suppose. i am bitchy and my body hurts and i cannot focus properly, but i am not taking sufficient analgesics to make myself feel better- i like to FEEL what i am doing to my body, how it's reacting to the invasion- it is comforting somehow, to follow a textbook expectation of symptoms. the ironic fuckery of the medication being so much more predictable than the disease is not lost on me- as a matter of fact, it pisses me the fuck off, but there's really nothing i can do about that.
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a large part of me wishes i hadn't committed to school. the tether is agitating. but the last two days at work were so engorged with actual and mental bullshit that it was nice to remind myself "soon i will have another skill that will allow me to do something better." i stuffed two dead chickens in a cremation bag. was misted with urine from an especially horrid and obstreporous dog. hauled a 42kg dog, also dead, into a room to visit with its owners post-mortem, and had to smile with professional sympathy in the faces of two grown men sobbing- and turn away abruptly so they don't see me starting to cry too.
and now i am typing this into the anonymous ether, as if to prove that anything happens at all.
i would love to actually talk to someone, face to face, instead.