oh you DON'T SAY. no, seriously.

to get my retarded fucking idealism-squashing out of the way: the foolish boy, the one i was googly-eyed and lalala and "oh did march come EARLY?" about? vanished. gone. i feel like a fucking idiot, again, as usual. are there no fucking MEN in the world, MEN who aren't full-time students with their living expenses completely paid for by their parents (yeah, him too), who don't sit around and smoke pot and blame everything wrong in their lives on their "psycho exes", who don't wait until they're inebriated to shove their tongues down my throat? FUCK! i am so fucking DISGUSTED with BOYS, with BULLSHIT, with MYSELF for continually falling into the same fucking morass and being hypocritically bewildered that nothing is any different.
is there something really fucking wrong with me?
(crappy self-esteem. gullible. lonely. horny. wanting to believe the best in people. insane in the sense of expecting the same shit, done the same way, to somehow change. please feel free to add others.)
i am, after all, part of the situation. the last two-plus years of post-seperation chronic clusterfuckery cannot simply be a really huge coincidence.
i want to be fucking cared about again. that's all.
the picture i took from the park in everett: i actually really like this, even though it's incredibly off-center. it sort of says everything.

okay, enough of that shit.
here is an inscrutable sign from the wendy's near my work. i don't fucking get it.

and here are some wily pigeons inside pike place market. i waited for about 5 minutes for the little twerps to walk IN THE ACTUAL SUNBEAM, but they never did.

tomorrow i help v. she requested "more apples than last time." (i brought her 10 huge red deliciouses, deliciousi?, per her stipulation.) "like thirty" she said tonight. 30 fucking apples? oh my god. what have i gotten into? i am smiling as i type this, because it is pretty funny. and yes, i will be walking.