tahini+carrots=shalom

i felt lower this week than i have in a long while. the optimism and invincibility are always finite, but it still surprises me when those sensations dissipate. i was so, i don't know, LONELY, and scared of being alone, that i avoided going home the other night, driving around aimlessly in the dark rain, my scrubs dirty from work, remembering what it was like to have somebody waiting for me. and i hated it at the time. and when i think about it, i hate it even more now, because that era does not deserve one shred of positive nostalgia. possibly this mindset was due to my period, which is kicking my ass at the moment; i took a much-needed (and uncomfortably disorienting) nap this afternoon, in a haze of cat hair and ibuprofen, and had weird near-dreams of an unpleasant nature. no fully developed story lines, just scenes, just enough to make me wonder if they were, in fact, dreams, or fragments of reality. being pushed on a swing while my ex stands at the ground and describes his new girlfriend=dream. me leaning with my back against a revolving round table, trying to do high kicks in ridiculous espadrilles, my neighbor on the deck with his back to me, the table spinning and causing me to teeter=dream. sun shining too brightly against a chalky sky, me squinting, clearly unhappy=not sure.
i felt like complete crap yesterday. j had lent me 'freeway' months ago so i finally watched it. felt crawly and unclean afterwards. drove to bremerton in intensely variable weather: black sky and fat raindrops, then blinding sun against wet pavement, trees curled in on themselves in the rain. "i am a storm chaser!" i said out loud to no one, trying to feign Zestiness, knowing that i was actually a shit-feeling nerd listening to the fucking oldies station. bremerton is, and always will be, a cesspool of despair ("why are women's asses so large in bremerton?" my father asked after having to go there for work a few weeks ago), but the downtown area is rather quaint, in a plaintive, deserted sort of way. i did not get out of the car. the valleys along hwy 16 are gorgeous, especially with the maxfield parrish clouds that emerged at sunset. lots of minivans, lots of 'save our troops' affixions; this is naval country, after all. and i remembered a few years ago, driving out there with t, getting into a horrible fight along the way and him saying he hated me and wished i was dead, and me sobbing like an idiot and demanding to be let out of the vehicle, and ending up in the tall yellow grass on an offramp while he insisted i get back in the FUCKING CAR, and concerned strangers pulling up and asking if we were okay, and eventually i relented because i had nowhere else to go, certainly not along highway 16, and we returned to yelm in grotesque silence. thinking about that, and thinking about how fucking STUPID i must be to actually, in some small part, almost occassionally MISS that, made me feel even worse.
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even the fucked-up becomes familiar, and thereby comfortable.
i would enjoy the opportunity to have the un-fucked-up become familiar instead.
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i just recieved an email requesting an interview for a job i applied for at UW, in the primate lab. i know two people who worked there; both exhibited "ugh" responses when i asked them how it was. an interview cannot hurt. i am positively repulsed by my fucking ennui of late.
playboy magazines were 50 cents each at the used bookstore, so i bought 2 (they are heavy, and it's gross enough to buy used playboys, though these appear relatively unrumpled). the articles really are good, so the cliche must be true. shaved pussy looks fucking terrible. the little strip-shave reminds me of john water's moustache. if i ever have me a woman, it will not be a little plasticene tart with undermilked udders and an 8-year-old's twat.
on a more austeure note (negated by the fact that i cannot spell 'austeure') the downtown library continues to thrill me with its echoey moderny airy somnambulence. even the chartreuse-lit escalators (hereafter referred to as the "sickness stairs") make me happy amid the greyness.