hiding the welfare check under the work boots

the shit weather usurped my good will for several consecutive hours. i drove through the sloppy grey indifferent to the hi-fi. stopped at the obscenely bourgeois whole foods in bellevue, which is always fun because i feel like a skanky ruffian among the earnest white patrons. it sort of snapped me out of my snit. the rain was soft and summery and the sun broke through the clouds, and immediately everything was gelatinous and dreamy, and i actually blew a kiss at the sky.
yesterday i was waiting to cross the street at 1st and pike when i noticed two freshly dead pigeons in the middle of the road. a car ran directly over one of them. blood and feathers went everywhere. the other people standing with me made a communal "ohhh" sound. the other cars took pains to swerve around the carrion. there was something both depressing and uplifting about the entire scene. in anchorage, every spring, a few reckless ducks would take their brood across minnesota parkway by the lagoon. cars would routinely back up for blocks to allow them to cross. i always appreciated that.
i will be there in five days. four and a half, actually. it is an odd thought, like revisiting your elementary school and being horrified at how small the toilets are.
and here, everything is exactly the same and yet completely fucking different, and the shape of the universe snaps from infinite to the outline of our bodies, and i only doubt myself when i think about how fucking stupid and absurd and hypocritical and REDUNDANT this is, so enough already. which end is up? i am certainly not the one to know. ever.
i only feel truly sane when i am utterly alone.