my own hands know best

my mindframe is much, much better today. things have a way of working out, eventually, in temporary interims. last night was a vacation from the shit. j and i smoked and watched 'sherrybaby'- a very good film- it seems that every movie we see together involves heroin, nudity, and the fucked-up human condition. afterwards i was feeling very mellow. i got home and decided to go on a little drive- very safely, i might add. i was driving aimlessly down i-5 when a car next to me began honking. it was my ex, whom i hadn't actually seen since november, gesticulating furiously- the creepy culmination of the aforementioned day of calls and harrassment. i am both pleased and unnerved that my facial expression did not change at all. i got off on an immediate exit and went the other direction on the freeway instead. it wasn't until about three minutes later that the reality of what just happened hit me and my hands began to shake. what the fuck was he doing driving around seattle after midnight on a weekday? i am more tweaked out by this than i can fully acknowledge- it helps to have a plan, which i didn't possess yesterday. i was blaring the fucking bangles. i continued to sing along.
another disturbing dream: i was walking through belltown at night, going to the vet, carrying helix. he wsa riding on my shoulders, draped around my neck, purring. i turned down a side street that was lined with warehouses. all the streetlights were burned out. "oh my" i muttered aloud, but i continued onward. behind me to the left came a sound of change jingling in a pocket- i turned around just in time to intercept a man who was lunging at me. i began screaming, swinging at him, helix on my shoulders all the while. the man ran off. i woke up sweating. there is a definite theme to my reveries of late: dangerous/fucked-up situations that ultimately cause no damage apart from freaking me out. i suppose i should be grateful. it all must mean something. relax, everything's going to be just dandy? you're stronger than you think? things are never as bad as they appear? (the fact that helix was draped over me like a uremic stole did make the memory a bit more lyrical.)
this morning's fog has burned off and the sky is, how you say, cornflower blue. i would be hard-pressed to identify an actual cornflower. crayola, your esoteric teachings give me pause.