post #100!

i am pleased that the tantrum-tirade i composed earlier was interrupted by the library computer crashing; perhaps i can preserve some modicum of dignity. my birthday was a welter of shit, a series of slaps upside the head to remind me that i know better. it is impossible to change anyone. all i can do is walk away. again. and again. there is an imperceptible line between optimism and mouth-breathing stupidity.
a sensation of serene dankness has consumed me since. i am in a good mood overall, i guess, just weary of feeling disillusioned. i have listened to "i can't wait" by the white stripes far too many times to count... and then, to pep up even more, "hotel yorba." drove north today to see the flooded fields- seattle has had 15" of rain so far this month- and ended up stuck behind a semi hauling bales of hay.
it is cold as fuck today. downtown was saturated with bodies, everyone carrying shopping bags, obliviously flailing their arms. the xmas lights are lit, which always cheers me. a woman carrying a bottle of beer was walking her disobedient dog on a very long leash at pike place. he was at least 10 feet ahead of her, running into kids, going into shops. "he doesn't like short leashes" she slurred to some people ahead of me. i bought nothing today, apart from a 40% discounted iggy pop cd at tower (r.i.p.- and it's only 4 blocks from my lair). i have always despised xmas, apart from the aforementioned lights- the more lurid the better. the rest of it... the radio at work yesterday was playing horrible holiday music and some of my coworkers were jubilantly singing along to "feliz navidad", and i felt like a curmudgeony asshole.
holidays mean fucking nothing anymore. i still have that little-kid oh-boy! flicker, like in elementary school when everyone celebrates and gets to make decorations- but all holidays, ultimately, are for kids and the religious. or for couples. holidays, for little-fish-big-pond workaholic atheist spinsters like myself, suck.
one of my coworkers does stand-up comedy, and after work on tuesday a group of us went to see him perform. he was very fucking good. it was therapeutic to be in civilian garb, drinking vodka, laughing with people i work with at racism and masturbation. things can be so fucking easy.
"oh, that was gross. i just coughed up part of my lunch."
-quote from work (the aec feeds its minions)